Help! In search of Netphoria Editorial staff

[MonteLDS]

i know that people on this board love to correct people grammer and spelling. So here is a letter i am writting to my clients and am looking for advice and corrections

Dear Friends,
I would like to thank all of you for helping make my business as your Computer Consultant such a success! Due to the large amount of clients that I have been recently been compiling I have need of making a written down policy. Enclosed I have my current policy and new business card. This in_cludes my new cell phone number. Please make note to change my number. Thank you again for all your support

Jonathan Monte

[BlueStar]

Don't do a general letter. It is proper business etiquette to address each letter individually. (And make sure you have your address and their address and the date at the top of the letter.)

Dear _______,

I would like to thank you for helping my business as your Computer Consultant achieve such success!

Due to the large amount of clients that I have been compiling, I have felt it necessary to create a standard policy. Enclosed are the policy and my new business card. Please note my new cell number.

Thank you again for your support.

Sincerely, (or Respectfully, or Thank you,)

(your signature here)

Jonathan Monte

[jczeroman]

Dear Friends,
I would like to thank all of you for helping make my business as your Computer Consultant such a success! Due to the large amount of clients that I have recently been compiling, I have need to put a poicy in wriiting. Enclosed is my current policy and new business card as well as my new cell phone number. Please note the new number.


Thank you again for all your support,

Jonathan Monte

[Mason R Butler]

Originally posted by MonteLDS

Dear Friends,
I would like to thank all of you for helping to make my business as your Computer Consultant such a success! Due to the large amount of clients I have been recently recieved, I have found it necessary to make a written policy. Enclosed are my current policy and new business card; this in_cludes my new cell phone number. Please update my number in your files. Thank you again for all of your support.

Jonathan Monte

[Mason R Butler]

It's interested to see everyone's different writing/editing styles.

[hereisnowhy]

Personalized is best, but definitely avoid "Dear Friends". That has spam written all over it.

My suggested revision:


Dear _____,
I would like to thank you for helping to make my business as your Computer Consultant such a success! In response to increasing numbers of clients, I have compiled a written policy statement. Please find it enclosed, along with my updated business card (please note the new cell phone number). Thank you again for all your support.

Jonathan Monte

[BlueStar]

Originally posted by I Hate Music
It's interested to see everyone's different writing/editing styles.

Formating wise (not referring to sentence structure, which is where the differences come into play, and which are perfectly fine), both of the other edits are incorrect (if what you are going for is a proper business letter). No organization I know of would ever send out a letter to clients, funders, or stakeholders formatted in that way. You really need to seperate out the sentences (it is perfectly ok to have a one sentence paragraph in a business letter) and you need to sign off with something (respectfully or whatever).

[Mason R Butler]

Originally posted by BlueStar


Formating wise (not referring to sentence structure, which is where the differences come into play, and which are perfectly fine), both of the other edits are incorrect (if what you are going for is a proper business letter). No organization I know of would ever send out a letter to clients, funders, or stakeholders formatted in that way.

I didn't know that's what he was going for. Monte doesn't seem like he's trying to be overly professional with them, and many people appreciate that.

[BlueStar]

Originally posted by I Hate Music

I didn't know that's what he was going for. Monte doesn't seem like he's trying to be overly professional with them, and many people appreciate that.

Since he said he was enclosing things, I assumed it was a printed letter. So I would highly suggest proper formatting, as it would look much nicer when printed out (as there is a full page of paper to take up). However, if we're talking e-mail, I might suggest something different.

[MonteLDS]

no we are talkin about a letter, but it was going be delivered to their mail boxes in the office.

[BlueStar]

Originally posted by MonteLDS
no we are talkin about a letter, but it was going be delivered to their mail boxes in the office.

So still ******* the formatting suggestions for the paragraphs. And do ******* the date, but don't worry about addresses. And do personalize the letter, don't use "Dear Friends". And do still ******* sincerely or something and your signature.

[KingJeremy]

Originally posted by MonteLDS
i know that people on this board love to correct people grammer and spelling. So here is a letter i am writting to my clients and am looking for advice and corrections

Dear Friends,
I would like to thank all of you for helping make my business as your Computer Consultant such a success! Due to the large amount of clients that I have been recently been compiling I have need of making a written down policy. Enclosed I have my current policy and new business card. This in_cludes my new cell phone number. Please make note to change my number. Thank you again for all your support

Jonathan Monte

You spelled grammar incorrectly.

[Smiley33]

DOEZNT THE EDITORIAL STAFF RITE EDITORIALZ? OMF