magic the gathering: do you enjoy seeing the blood splatter 'cross my chin?

because a blunt blow to my supernaturally symmetrical face is what it feels like to have your thread deleted. a thread for which i spent five minutes of my globe-skipping, nightclub-hopping, carnage-packed life typing up a reply.

i don't know if you know this, magic, but there are succulent spanish studs who tend to me at my bedside. they ferry the wind to my awaiting face and my naked body with ostrich feathers. they swivel their finely sculpted hips; i tell them how fast to do it. at my command, their pelvises can emulate the slow coiling of a boa, or the whirling dervish of a cyclone. i like to see the light morph into different shapes as it reflects off the contours of their wet, gyrating bodies. i control them. they are extensions of myself, and they live to serve my sensual whims. i can sup their youth if i so choose, drink their fluids, crush the air from their sweaty torsos. but, for five minutes of my life, i did not choose so. i chose to reply to your thread.

i have midgets, magic. black midgets. white midgets. asian midgets. midgets that hobble on makeshift wooden legs. they come in all colors, magic. sometimes, i line them up to form a little midget rainbow. then i organize them by skin hue in a different way: warm colors together, cool colors together; then complementary. if they don't respond to my commands to group together in a certain way in a matter of six seconds, i have them killed and i buy a new set of midgets. midgets that can hobble faster. i have a midget with a small slab of pinewood for a penis, magic. his christian name is alexander, but i wouldn't want to give him the impression that he is a human being, so i call him "Pine-iss." once, i placed Pine-iss in a small ****l keg with a large termite queen. as you should know, the abdomen of termite queens are nothing more than large, amorphous blobs that churn out entire colonies of those wood-devouring monstrosities. i ordered Pine-iss not to kill his companion, and i left him in there for two days. one day later, at approximately 12:34 pm, the first of the larval termites began to develop pinchers. i know this, because i heard the ear-splitting sound of a pair of diminutive vocal cords vibrating. vibrating, vibrating, creating a sound that epitomizes pain. and i masturbated to that glorious sound, magic. i have another midget who is allergic to bee stings. i also have twenty vats of honey and a bee nursery. i could have indulged in the obvious sadistic exploit, but i chose not to. i chose to reply to your topic.

what was i thinking? i slaved, magic. i plunked these tired fingers on harsh and alien computer keys. these fingers that are more suited to snapping at hired executioners, at massaging the backs of foreign princesses, at soaking in exotic baths. i so wanted to bestow upon you my creative and sincere suggestions. "what shall i take pictures of?" you asked. and i answered. i poured my heart and soul into that message box. i saw my very being splashed upon that monitor. and then i clicked 'submit new topic.' my face was bright with hope, with rapturous expectation at the sight of my reply becoming part of netphorian canon, at the thought of your gratitude rewarding my labor. instead, you bitch-slapped my chin with your big, black dick in the form of a cancelled thread. why, magic? i so loved you. i would give everything for you. my cavernous mansions, my armies of catamites, my elephant-bald eagle hybrids. why? you are like the cold and inscrutable universe. you give, and you taketh away. and all the enemas in the world can't flush away this overwhelming loneliness.

why?

Oh silly pastor, when will you ever learn?

http://www.netphoria.org/wwwboard/frown.gif

Now I'm going to commit suicide.

Originally posted by Magic the Gathering:
http://www.netphoria.org/wwwboard/frown.gif

Now I'm going to commit suicide.

okay. can i have your cd collection?

jeez pastor, you take things too personally. you get upset too easily. take a chill pill, retard

Originally posted by pastor:
okay. can i have your cd collection?

http://www.netphoria.org/wwwboard/frown.gif sure man. i'll have julie ship them to you.

Originally posted by Samsa:
jeez pastor, you take things too personally. you get upset too easily. take a chill pill, retard

oh, how you have exposed my hypocrisy! damn you, samsa! you remain as ever my worthy nemesis.

Originally posted by Magic the Gathering:
http://www.netphoria.org/wwwboard/frown.gif sure man. i'll have julie ship them to you.

well if i have to ship them all he's gonna get are your enya and african tribal cds.

Originally posted by pastor:
oh, how you have exposed my hypocrisy! damn you, samsa! you remain as ever my worthy nemesis.

whatever, retard. don't you realize that netphoria isn't real life? you shouldn't let internet people bother you so much. psycho.

Originally posted by lucky_13:
well if i have to ship them all he's gonna get are your enya and african tribal cds.

look, bitch, did you spend five minutes typing up a reply to his topic so dense with literary gems that, if had it been posted, would have created a point-of-singularity and an ensuing black hole? no.

the cds are mine. don't fuck with me. *does the viper motion* what?

Originally posted by Samsa:
whatever, retard. don't you realize that netphoria isn't real life? you shouldn't let internet people bother you so much. psycho.

don't ruin it!

This is the best thread I've read here.

EVER.

Originally posted by Samsa:
whatever, retard. don't you realize that netphoria isn't real life? you shouldn't let internet people bother you so much. psycho.

damn, there you go again -- using my words, twisting them like wire, and boomeranging them right back at me. oh, wait. those aren't my words. nicetrysorry.

the difference between you and i, samsa, is that my internet drama is an intentional farce and yours is not. so why don't you go decorate your labia with crayons?

Originally posted by pastor:
look, bitch, did you spend five minutes typing up a reply to his topic so dense with literary gems that, if had it been posted, would have created a point-of-singularity and an ensuing black hole? no.

the cds are mine. don't fuck with me. *does the viper motion* what?

i have been his devoted girlfriend for over a year and all i get is cyber loving. i deserve the cds way more than you do. back off. you can't just sweep in here for the first time in months and devote a thread to him and expect something from it. fucker.

Originally posted by pastor:
damn, there you go again -- using my words, twisting them like wire, and boomeranging them right back at me. oh, wait. those aren't my words. nicetrysorry.

the difference between you and i, samsa, is that my internet drama is an intentional farce and yours is not. so why don't you go decorate your labia with crayons?

there you go again, letting perfect strangers get to you like that. loser.

and the only difference between you and me is that people can't tell when i'm joking. see this topic

http://www.netphoria.org/wwwboard/rolleyes.gif

Originally posted by lucky_13:
i have been his devoted girlfriend for over a year and all i get is cyber loving. i deserve the cds way more than you do. back off. you can't just sweep in here for the first time in months and devote a thread to him and expect something from it. fucker.

oh, honey. you just don't know. tell me, sweety, do you wear your most expensive weave during your chat sessions with magic? do you pretty yourself up real good before you sit down at the computer, like a tennessean audrey hepburn with a missing chromosome? do you prefer interaction on the internet over the telephone because you think he'll hear your gummy, slobbery voice and realize that you don't have any teeth?

back off, heifer. he's my man. i've had designs on him and his musical bounty for a long time, and ain't nothing going to stop me from getting what i want. why would he choose your stank ass over these goods? *motions to ghetto booty* you just don't know.

Originally posted by Samsa:
and the only difference between you and me is that people can't tell when i'm joking. see this topic

http://www.netphoria.org/wwwboard/rolleyes.gif

OH MY GOD, IT'S LIKE CLASH OF THE ANDY KAUFMANS!1! YOUR MY KINDRED SPIRIT!!

http://www.apocalypse.org/~bill/gall...s/catfight.jpg

Originally posted by pastor:
blah blah blah yammer yammer yammer

its not your ghetto ass he's coming to visit next week is he? now shut your face. he doesn't have any of that gloria estefan or bangles shit you like anyway.

Originally posted by pastor:
OH MY GOD, IT'S LIKE CLASH OF THE ANDY KAUFMANS!1! YOUR MY KINDRED SPIRIT!!

no, i fully realize that you're funny and i'm not, but it just pisses me off that you people don't ever fucking get the points i'm trying to make or what i'm trying to say or ANYTHING. like even this topic, you thought i was making some reference to how hypocritical you are or some shit. all i'm trying to say is if I posted a topic like this, or WHEN i post a topic like this, all i get are people telling me i'm a psychotic bitch.

Originally posted by lucky_13:
its not your ghetto ass he's coming to visit next week is he? now shut your face. he doesn't have any of that gloria estefan or bangles shit you like anyway.

first of all, i just want to make it clear to the readers of netphoria that in no way do i like gloria estefan. it became clear after she started tweazing that mole on her face that she just wasn't staying true to her puerrrrrrrto rrrrrican rrrroots. caveat: it is required that you type several r's when making any rrreferrrence to puerrrto rrico to denote a rolled 'r,' because they are a sensual people. anyway, gloria estefan totally sold out after she left the miami sound machine. man, you should have heard some of the mole-hair tweaking solos that gloria pulled off in the old days. they were mole-errrrrrrific!

ANYWAY, ON TO WHAT I REALLY WANTED TO SAY BEFORE I WENT ON A SAMSA/TOURETTE'S-LIKE-TIRADE!!

magic's lovemaking with you is comparable to a gloria estefan solo album. it is full of soulless drum machines and atonal singing about inspirational car crash survival, and there are no mole-hair solos. it has all the emotional force of an asthmatic person playing "Yankee Doodle Went to Town" on the kazoo.

magic's (future) lovemaking with me is like a miami sound machine album. there is lush, live instrumentation, rhythmic beats that are the musical manifestation of sex, and mole-hair solos that percolate and fizzle on your eardrums and your genitals. it is a musical meshing of the german blitzkrieg and a 400-piece symphony playing beethoven's ninth symphony.

in conclusion: eat hell, you droopy twat.

Originally posted by pastor:


magic's lovemaking with you is comparable to a gloria estefan solo album. it is full of soulless drum machines and atonal singing about inspirational car crash survival, and there are no mole-hair solos. it has all the emotional force of an asthmatic person playing "Yankee Doodle Went to Town" on the kazoo.

magic's (future) lovemaking with me is like a miami sound machine album. there is lush, live instrumentation, rhythmic beats that are the musical manifestation of sex, and mole-hair solos that percolate and fizzle on your eardrums and your genitals. it is a musical meshing of the german blitzkrieg and a 400-piece symphony playing beethoven's ninth symphony.

http://www.netphoria.org/wwwboard/biggrin.gif

Originally posted by Samsa:
no, i fully realize that you're funny and i'm not, but it just pisses me off that you people don't ever fucking get the points i'm trying to make or what i'm trying to say or ANYTHING. like even this topic, you thought i was making some reference to how hypocritical you are or some shit. all i'm trying to say is if I posted a topic like this, or WHEN i post a topic like this, all i get are people telling me i'm a psychotic bitch.

if scientists could somehow devise a technology that could harness your WHINE, they would tap into a limitless resource. no more overdependence on opec. yay! samsa and her big, jewish nose hath created a panacea that will help us free ourselves from the tendrils of the muslim businesshordes!

it's not that i misinterpret you. it's that i just don't care. i don't spend a second trying to discern if you're being sincere or not. if you are really a distressed girl gesticulating wildly at her computer or simply a snickering troll making five-page long flame wars about rhyming. i don't care if you are personally trying to point out any hypocrisy i may exhibit or if you are trying to make what you perceive as a clever satire of what you perceive as antagonism by your netphorian peers. netphoria is nothing more than sound and fury, and you contribute bountifully to it. my comments were meant to goad you on. get you into a retarded frenzy, like a raging down's syndrome kid. i am insincere, and you claim to be as well. maybe we can be insincere together? holding hands, getting in mock-flame wars, painting faces on withered prunes and making prune puppet productions of 'macbeth.' it'll be fun. you'll see.

Originally posted by pastor:
if scientists could somehow devise a technology that could harness your WHINE, they would tap into a limitless resource. no more overdependence on opec. yay! samsa and her big, jewish nose hath created a panacea that will help us free ourselves from the tendrils of the muslim businesshordes!

it's not that i misinterpret you. it's that i just don't care. i don't spend a second trying to discern if you're being sincere or not. if you are really a distressed girl gesticulating wildly at her computer or simply a snickering troll making five-page long flame wars about rhyming. i don't care if you are personally trying to point out any hypocrisy i may exhibit or if you are trying to make what you perceive as a clever satire of what you perceive as antagonism by your netphorian peers. netphoria is nothing more than sound and fury, and you contribute bountifully to it. my comments were meant to goad you on. get you into a retarded frenzy, like a raging down's syndrome kid. i am insincere, and you claim to be as well. maybe we can be insincere together? holding hands, getting in mock-flame wars, painting faces on withered prunes and making prune puppet productions of 'macbeth.' it'll be fun. you'll see.

you're just a snide, mean jerk. and my nose is anything but big. okay? actually i think it's too turned up, if you want to accurately insult it.