Quote:
Originally Posted by teh b0lly!!1
this sentence reads wonderfully like the thought process of an android. what did you mean though?
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Well, when I go to therapy sometimes, we talk about how I react when I first get into the office. Because I have a problem with eye contact and generally do very generic hello, and don't seem to have emotions towards our meeting. Even though I am very glad I am there, and feel as connected to her than I anyone else, more than anyone else even.
So we talked about it the other day, and I was like... "Do people really great each other and feel really great about it make eye contact and have warm interactions, isn't that exhausting to do all the time?" And she informed me that people who like each other generally do do these things when they meet and spend time together.
Also we were talking about similar things and I brought up (which was very hard) that I've been coming for 5 years and we've never actually touched in any way, you know like handshake or hug or anything. We talked about it a little. Upon reflection, I believe if I actually let her hold my hand or something I would just burst out in tears, like my intimacy is so fucking screwed up that I couldn't handle feeling the grief around how I never let anyone do things like that and actually feel that they care for me. Like I can actually imagine we might do this in therapy, as an exercise in trust (b/c I do trust her) and actually letting myself feel that this person actually cares about me and isn't going to fuck with me if I let my guard down. I'm not sure if this makes sense if you don't have attachment issues like I do.
TL;DR chronic PTSD fucks up your ability to feel intimacy. i had the child abuse plus intimate partner abuse so i think i have it pretty severely, especially for someone who actually does like most people