so for a long time i wasn't taking my medicines as religiously as i should have... always took my night ones, but my morning ones (wellbutrin and cymbalta) was more like... half the time). so i started being a good girl and taking them all the time and surprise... after 2 weeks i feel better. i'm actually a bit overstimulated, a little insomnia, but i'm eating better (less) and have more energy then i've felt in a while. work isn't a slog. etc.
but for the first time it feels really artificial to me. like... i don't feel zombie-ish (quite the opposite), but it almost seems idk, too easy. i've been struggling for a while, nothing terrible but a bit unstable and all i needed to do was take my damn medicine. i'm also doing good stuff in therapy, feeling much more open than i ever have. really looking forward to my surgery in a few months also.
i think i struggle when i feel good because i feel like i deserve to feel like shit, and i worry about feeling better and then it going away. or as i've always interpreted cilly borgan as meaning
"Happiness will make you wonder
Will I feel OK?
It scares the disenchanted
Far away"
i wouldn't say I feel HAPPY but i feel like i have an adequate drive to do things like clean and work without it all seeming like a terrible chore. which it has for a long time, on meds or off meds
we'll see if it stays this way.
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