oh my god, look guys! what a threatening poster! it's A GLASS OF WINE. holy shit! this movie must be hella scary!
if you'd been following the bollyblog, you know i use the fUCKED uP
lettering style for especially terrible thrillers/horror diarrheas. after being blown away by The Lobster, i googled it along with "best films" to find out what the critiques were praising as the best films of 2015/16. if The Lobster is on that list, it can't be that bad, right?
(that was an arnold voice in case anyone missed the reference)
two major quips:
A. why do rottentomatoes ratings have to be so goddamn rotten like a SHIT COVERED CORPSE INFUSED WITH PUKING AIDS MAGGOTS AND USED TAMPONS FOR FUCK'S SAKE. that site is so fucking unreliable it's hilarious. i know it's an aggregate site so spare me the fucking brainy explanation docs, but there is just NO EXCUSE for this movie getting 90% on any site. movie reviewers these days should fucking go die in a CANCEROUS FIRE.
B. why do horror films (and i use this term loosly [i say this good heartedly]) must be so fucking terrible? is it really that impossible to produce a decent, intelligent, horror movie? must they all be steaming piles of shitty cliches, atrocious acting and a plot that is complete fucking BILE? history says the horror genre is by far the most difficult genre to master. if anyone has recommendations for genuinely good horror flicks shoot em my way, will ya?
ok let's get started shall we. OH YES U HERD RIGHT I AIN'T EVEN GOT STARTED YET.
literally from the FIRST SHOT in this piece of shit i knew it was going to be horrible. the protagonist (who i'll rip on in a second, patience) is driving a car with his token black gf, it's all wEiRD and hAzY and she asks him: "you didn't answer... i asked if you were okay???"
RIGHT THERE - if there is one motherfucking thing i hate about movies and shows, it's THIS sickening brand of campy and expository dialogue. why not just fucking build up the scene, and have her voice asking him that question in an all nice and reverby kind of way, and then cut to the douchebag seeming disoriented, and then have her crisply ask "hey, are you ok?". BUT NO! let's force this stupid dumbass token character to talk strangely in a way people don't talk in, and impose the narrative on the viewer instead of having them experience it themselves.
this disease is spread all throughout the film like black diarrhea spray on a fresh toilet after a big bowl of rotten seafood with bad mayonaise on it. everything is unnatural and synthetic to a simply astounding degree. people behave and talk in mindblowingly fake and obtuse ways, simply because the shitty script rapes them into doing it. nothing fucking makes sense in this movie, not one decision that any character makes at any given point, is justifiable by any human standard of what is normal society.
this "movie" essentially feels like it's a piece of shit excercise for movie class in highschool, whose sole purpose is practicing SUSPENSION BUILDING through the excessive and unintelligent usage of ANY CLICHE EVER BEATEN TO DEATH in shitty thriller history. it's literally just one long string of generic, textbook, paper-thin scenes building up some "ambiguous", "paranoid" suspense towards something THAT WE ALL FUCKING KNOW IS COMING. SO JUST GET THE FUCKKK ON WITH IT
ok wait sorry i got carried away. i promised to rip on the "protagonist". he ain't no protagonist, god knows he antagonized me lololo! anyway this douchebag is some Tom Hardy doppleganger cunt. he literally looks exactly like him, it's uncanny. check this out:
and this guy's REAL name is no less than LOGAN MARSHALL. how could there honestly be a real person looking like this and named LOGAN MARSHALL. check out this fucking douchebag everyone. he's all manly and comic book character-y and his first name is Wolverine and his last name is that of the renowned burly ampmaker. needless to say he's a complete flaccid ballsack of an actor, and cries like a little bitch at least 10 times throughout the movie. not very manly, LOGAN.
this movie is as shitty as they come. as i said, i realized literally from the first shot that it was going to be a piece of shit, but made a concious decision to hatewatch. but it's not even good enough for that. it tries hard to have high production values and look slick, but that only makes it worse. it's like spraying a really horrible bathroom fragrance after taking a shit that smelled like death. the attempt to cover it up with sweet coco vanilla only makes it even more sickening. what a fucking piece of shit.
ok i need to chill