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Old 10-05-2019, 09:26 PM   #4836
Disco King
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Originally Posted by myosis View Post
well the realization will come eventually that chemistry leads to intimacy, not the other way around.
Eh, I don't think you understand how things work with people with crippling anxiety. Just because I'm into somebody isn't by itself going to facillitate any intimacy, because my anxiety will make me too nervous to engage in any of that. It's easy to say "let it happen naturally" when you're actually a natural.

It's iterative and cyclical; chemistry and intimacy fuel each other. There's also the fact that our society remains stubbornly gendered, despite attempts to address and challenge gender roles. Women still expect men to make the first move, and the onus is usually on the guy to move things toward physical intimacy on a date. If he doesn't, the woman will wonder why nothing has happened yet, because the assumption is that these things should "just happen" when two people like each other. She will then reason from this that "the reason nothing is happening must be because we're not actually into each other, after all," and attraction will fade. Believe me, I've tried the normie advice of "it'll just happen naturally" a million times. Much of the time when things fizzle out, it's because it wouldn't have worked, anyway, but I've definitely experienced going out with people with whom I had mutual compatibility and chemistry, and then failing to properly fan those embers by being way too platonic. These are people with whom I'm fairly certain it would have worked if I had only done X,Y,Z instead of A,B,C.

I think part of why people want to think that attraction is totally independent of how people behave and what steps they take, and is instead this magical spooky force that either just is or isn't, is because they maybe think it would make attraction less meaningful and more cynical if it actually is partly based on a skill that one can sharpen. And I'm not claiming that you can have total control over it or master some "one weird trick" to make any person fall in love with you, because most of it really is beyond our control. But not all of it is, because you can raise or lower your chances of facilitating your attraction by knowing how to do it, and that doesn't make it any less meaningful or valuable. "It just happens naturally" is something people only believe because they have enough natural aptitude at it that they've never had to think about it very much. It's like a regular person telling a dyslexic person "don't overthink reading, it'll just come naturally if you be yourself and relax."

Originally Posted by Elphenor View Post
I'm so depressed like all the time

goddamn it's exhausting
Bro, that sucks.

About anything in particular, or just those stupid brain chemicals not doing what they are supposed to?

Still keeping up with school and all that? Hanging out with friends? I find that when I'm especially depressed, I gotta treat that shit like a job and do it whether I like it or not, because if I go "I'll do school shit/hobbies/chores when I'm feeling up to it," that's how all of it falls to the wayside and my life becomes a mess and I become even more depressed.

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