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Old 05-12-2014, 01:10 PM   #355
The exploding boy
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Location: "I'm a quivering collection of the worst and least helpful emotions: fear, anxiety, terror, paranoia, indigestion, dishpan hands..."
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Originally Posted by vixnix View Post
clinical studies show that career fulfilment and material wealth don't impact happiness as much as feeling connected to a community and having healthy relationships with other human beings...
Last time i hung out with someone that wasn't family or partner was about a year ago. The time before that, probably a year more. I think it might be why i'm depressed.

Though really one of my problem is i can't seem to care enough about others to maintain friendships. Like i think oh i want friends sure, but then the times i had them,i barely keep in contact. Though i think part of it is that i feel like my life is so unlike theirs that they just can't relate and i feel like...inadequate. And it's rare the people i felt i could be myself around and i'm not in any way into playing a role in life. I don't want to have to filter what i can't or cant talk about, pretend that my life is this or that way when it isn't.

Like for years i occasionally hung out with one of my childhood friends. He's married, is a college teacher and has a kid now. What do our lives have in common? Nothing at all. Last time i saw him was at his marriage, about 5 years back. I don't have a career so i have nothing to talk about job wise, my marital..well love life, whatever its called if you're not married, is so completely fucked up compared to anyone else that its frankly hard to grasp for people and i rather not talk about it really cause i don't want to have to explain it or be judged on it.

So what? i'm gonna tell them about what i did in Minecraft over the weekend? I don't think so. Well there's my brother i can talk to about these things yeah but he's even more fucked up than i am. And then there's the fact i have low tolerance for behavior that is not in agreement with my value or moral system.

So really i worked out that while i think i want friends, i don't really, it's a hassle and is more stress than anything. The only problem is knowing no one makes it hard to advance in life as the more people you know, the more it opens up opportunities for change or if nothing else, new experiences, and also having no friends means no one to turn to in times of need. There's my family but my parents won't be there forever. Beyond them, i have nothing.

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