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Originally Posted by teh b0lly!!1
the latter. i enjoy it too much, and do not like feeling like i am a slave to it, or anything really.
it enables me to turn off feelings of anxiety and depression, and it's effective at that, but it's not without a price and the residue always builds up and snowballs. it anaesthetizes and makes me become unhinged.
i recognize signs of addiction in myself, breaking promises i make to myself, tolerance increasing, it interfering with other areas of life; developing dependency. smoking that bowl a little too eagerly when under stress. that's one of those things Sopranos pinned down really well: how Chris spirals into heroin addiction, first as a weekend release, then a hobby, then a way of dealing, then a crutch.
i'm still open to the idea of using it recreationally, sometimes, but i cannot allow to medicate myself with it like i have been, as that always gradually becomes unhealthy at one point or another. i don't want it to control me, i don't want to be numb. i want to have a clear mind and to be able to just enjoy it from a time to time without exploiting it. use it only because i want to, not because i need to. and to be perfectly honest, based on past experience, i don't know if that is something i can do. they say 10% of the population is at risk to develop addiction to pot; i think i'm squarely in those 10%.
you'd see why i'm reluctant to make any big promises right now, but i'd like to think that i will not pick it up again before i make a clear decision of what frequency of use i'd be willing to put up with and find acceptable and reasonable. then i will be able to know immediately and in certain terms that if i step outside those boundaries, i'm in the red again.
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One thing that's helped me recently is to realize that there's no such thing as selective numbing: if you're numbing, that means diminishing both the pains and the pleasures. So you might have less anxieties and discomfort, but you also have less excitement and joy.
For me, the marijuana is about tripping drugs, for fun, in limited quantities, under highly controlled and selective circumstances (mostly in the dark of night when there is no looming responsibility in the next day or two that will require my sharpest of faculties). I love what it does for music. I like experiencing the weirdness of a strange, more contemplative reality for a few hours.
There are a lot of things I hate about it, though. The lack of focus, the inability to make new memories, the nagging sense that if I smoke once during the day i need to do it again once the hi leaves or i'll feel "incomplete" or let down until i go to sleep and wake up and start over.
I do not buy that marijuana is a "safe" drug or that everyone should be vaping it 24/7. I have many weed friends who are totally addicted and can't fathom functioning without it. I think it's very powerful and should be handled carefully.
I wish you the best of luck. You'll make the right decision
