Alien: Covenant
https://i1.wp.com/bloody-disgusting....size=503%2C755
so i'm digging the fuck out of The Sopranos these days. but, the site i'm using to stream it with subtitles (cause that new jersey accent+slang is often a curveball for me) has a few problems with the season 5 episodes. corrupt files, i get skips and jumps - so i went to the local DVD knockoffs shop to see if they're selling it.
well they didn't, but i did find out Covenant was finally out, and i was like "oh yeah that had a decent trailer and it's by Ridley Diddley Scott, and Prometheus was alright". so i got it. and oh man, i had no idea it was going to be such a fucking piece of shit.
so many things are wrong with it. i basically hatewatched it all the way through after realizing in the first 30 minutes there's just no way that this is happening.
so first of all, the entire way the film opens up and creates the premise that's supposed to make you want to keep watching it - but it all feels so ancient and outdated filmmaking. it's basically a movie that belongs in the 80's stylistically, but it was filmed in 2017. like, all of it -
the campy/cool tough guy rapport dialogues between members of the crew on the ship, the way in which that same old photocopied "futuristic" text appears onscreen (YEAR: 2185, DESTINATION: DANGEROUS ADVENTURE, etc) like it's supposed to be super exciting and impressive, etc. i mean things aren't like that anymore, cinema has evolved in so many ways since those days and what was once exciting about those futuristic/dystopian 80's sci-fi/action shticks just doesn't hold that much weight anymore, and watch it being delivered like that without an ounce of self awareness feels like three steps backwards, rather than pleasant nostalgia.
major quip #2: the entire opening and how the ship gets to this bizarre, deadly alien planet once again (cuz we need to get along with the plot ppl, let's jack up the body count here eh?). like, even when the crew arrives at this supposedly completely alien planet that nobody even knew about, it just seems like ridley diddley and their crew went to the nearest forest and went 'fuck it, lets just shoot here'. it's got zero fucking credibility, it absolutely shatters the illusion. it makes the entire idea of watching a film that's set on another planet collapse, just because it's so poorly executed. am i really supposed to believe some planet 6 zillion light years away from earth looks
exactly like earth, without a single difference except the absence of wildlife?
it's just a movie that seems to make the wrong choice at every single turn, and it's kind of amazing and odd that it's coming from such a highly revered and experienced director. even the CGI is inexcusably disastrous, i don't even know how such a popular franchise with such a big budget gets this kind of treatment in 2015 or whanever this movie got made. seriously, some of the kills were so poorly animated it was severely noticeable. ferrari red blood and everything.
this terrible film is basically a faded attempt to emulate and weld together the series' best moments. it's like a newly recorded greatest hits album by a band that peaked in 1979. it essentially feels like a reboot, although it was made out to be a prequel or whatever. this movie is no different than that Spiderman with that Garfield guy or whatever that douche's fucking name was -
go through the motions once more within the confines of a glaringly obvious and 100% predictable story, with the intention of delivering cheap thrills to a stunted audience. it's a movie that blows its load too fast, too hard, and too often. all it goes for is those fucking obnoxious money shots with the alien killing people in ways that are purely designed to 'give the people what they want'.
all those great sequences from the original - where the alien gruesomely emerges from john hurt's body, or when you even see it casting its horror on somebody - they were only so great because they were used intelligently. it was CONTEXTUAL. it was used SCARCELY. Ridley Diddley used to be smart enough to know that not seeing the monster every 3 minutes like it's a flashing pedo in the park, actually makes the viewers MORE tense and uneasy - certainly much more so than desensitizing the audience to the goddamn thing on every opportunity. but that kind of restraint is a thing of the distant past and is virtually non existent in this film.
i mean gah this movie is so fucking bad, my reeling list of complaints is neverending. i can literally bitch about this movie forever.
HOW IS IT EVEN POSSIBLE that an Alien film casts the guy from Eastbound and Down as one of the main characters?! has the world gone insane? it would be impossible for ANYONE who ever watched more than 3 minutes of Eastbound and Down to see this guy as anything other than Kenny Powers. how and WHY do you cast a particularly unremarkable actor who's known for his role as an obnoxious funnyman, into a film that's supposed to be dark, clinical and serious? i mean seriously what a fucking joke. honest to god, this might just be the single worst casting i'd ever seen in my entire life. it turns the whole thing into an uber-lame bizarro Pixar movie set within the Alien universe.
and if all that's not enough, you have so many egregiously stupid moments, that actually had me talking to myself in real time, going like, "oh my god are you seriously being this awful right now, dear god this is so fucking terrible". prime examples: the Alien crawling around in the ship, with some crew asshole watching it through the CCTV monitors, then suddenly the alien pops up in front of the camera, screeches, and destroys it. 80's B-movie cliche #1032 - CHECK! like why in the world would an alien creature do that, it makes no sense. but who cares about making sense - let's get cool alien shots folks! if we all work together this will be a great film.
or - how you have michael fenderbass playing a double role as the most evil/goodhearted robot evar, who then get switched out as some sorry ass "TWIST" near the end, LIKE IT WASN'T CLEAR AS FUCKING BROAD DAYLIGHT that they were going to do that literally from the second those characters were introduced.
Prometheus wasn't a perfect or even a really great movie by any standard, but i did love how the actual alien creature was barely even in the film - it was mostly about exploring that creepy world, skillfully creating that mood, and fleshing out the alien world again in a compelling way. but this one - all this piece of trash movie cares about and moves towards is setting up those alien cumshots to indulge 14 year old Alien fans, and even though there are very few and far between moments of grace (bass fender's acting here is not bad, the cinematography is quite beautiful at very certain points in the film, etc).
CONCLUSION:
ultimately i just feel like this film had nothing to do with the franchise needing another film, or someone having a great idea for a sequel/prequel, or anything substantial or concrete like that - it was simply that Ridley Scott wanted to make another Alien movie for the sake of his own ego, cause he wanted to relive the past and manufacture a work that practically begs the people to enjoy it by rehashing and throwing every bigtime moment from the series previously proven successful in their face.
i feel like an old man just barged into my living room and made me laugh at his jokes. what a piece of shit movie. fuck you Ridley.