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Old 03-16-2021, 07:40 PM   #188
reprise85
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Location: I'm faced with so many changes that I just might change my face
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Originally Posted by MyOneAndOnly View Post
Is the struggle knowing how/when to reach out to someone? Or is it not knowing who to reach out to?

Weirdly, I don't usually think of my therapist for something like that. When I was about to do it last I called a friend from college, who kind of talked to me and helped me ground myself. I think if i'd called my therapist the result would have been different and I would have fought (internally) with whatever she said to me.
The struggle is I know that if I talk to my therapist she will be forced to commit me (if I plan on carrying out something). But how realistic is it for me to ask her or anyone to be ok with me killing myself if I want to, anyway. It would just be nice to know I could tell someone and they could convince me not to (or fail to do so) and it wouldn't lead to hospitalization. I know if I went in the hospital it would be very bad for me. The one thing I have going for me is my work going very well and being the master of my own domain and if I lost the ability to work and people had to come into my house to feed my cat and I had to be treated like a suicidal kindergartner (which is what the hospital is like) it would be very bad for me. And also no pill is going to help this, this is an existential problem, life doesn't seem worth it to me in an objective way and I don't know how to change that despite wanting to. I am not super depressed, I can work, I am not anhedonic, I am sleeping fine, I can concentrate. It's just the suicide aspect

I am distressed by unrelenting derealization and I have real doubts it will ever get significantly better. The derealization feels like a physical problem in my brain, like I know it's psychological but it feels like it is not. It affects my vision as well. And while I can still function on most levels, it's very not fun.

I may try psychedelics, I feel like this it's possible they could help me feel more engaged in the world if taken therapeutically. This has been happening for way to long for me to think continuing (even in therapy 2x a week) is going to make it better. A lot of things have gotten better, don't get me wrong. Working, getting a degree, getting off disability, having my own place, not being super depressed, and other things have happened which are very good. But it's very hard to want to live in the world when it does not seem real and hasn't for the past 20 years

Last edited by reprise85 : 03-16-2021 at 07:55 PM.

 
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