Originally Posted by teh b0lly!!1
i tried to upload a few choice pics from Thailand but for some reason it failed and i can't be fucked to try again now.
i'm not sure this post belongs here because i'm not doing drugs, not having sex, and am not drunk, but - you guessed it - i am sad. again. i know complaining when you're on vacation is douchey and terrible and bad form, but no matter how much i try i just can't shake off this terrible depression, and in all honesty, i can't say i'm really enjoying this vacation like i hoped.
that's not to say there aren't many beautiful moments of grace; this place is such a popular tourist destination for a reason. there's beautiful beaches and scenery and food and so on. but it's me that's the problem. i'm utterly consumed by anxiety, loneliness and depression. traveling alone can be very hard. it's like anything i experience doesn't matter, because i have nobody i care about with me to share it with; it's like a film with no audience, or music reverberating through an empty hall. a tree falling in the forest, whatever. i have friends, i'm even seeing someone these days, but they're not here and i'm in such a fucked state i don't even know if i'd want them to be. i try to be mindful and have a compassionate outlook, but i'm consumed by anxiety and guilt over being such a fucking whiny bitch even though i'm so lucky and privileged and fortunate to even be able to be here, and yet i'm not able to enjoy it like i 'should' be. it's like the most classic symptom of major depression - not being able to enjoy things that used to make you happy. i'm standing there in the middle of experiences that i waited so long to have, and i know it should make me happy, by my own acquaintance with myself, but i just can't feel a thing. it's like trying to make your toes move, and looking at them remain motionless. it's a deep, deep malfunction within me that i have no way of fixing, no matter how mindful i try to be or how i try to adjust my attitude. one day in bangkok i just stayed locked in my hotel room the entire day because i just couldn't. i tried and came out for breakfast and felt like i would implode and just came right back. and it's like, i try to not judge myself, i try to be compassionate for myself and realize it's not my fault i'm so fucked, but i can never keep it at bay forever and at some point it always comes back and i always judge myself real viciously for being unable to just fucking enjoy the moment for once in my fucking life and stop this drama that i don't want.
why can't i see the pristine beaches and the clear water and the great food and the tranquility? why must i see the people around me as swarming, disgusting meat robots, and smell the gasoline in the air, and take every death stare/stinkeye i get from a jaded Thai person (of which there is a staggering amount here) so personally? why do i not see the mountains and the palm trees, but the powerlines and the black puddles by the roadside? why is it that in a place that everyone seems to be having the time of their life, i find myself thinking 'maybe i should just end it' more times than i have in months? what's the point?
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