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Old 01-02-2020, 02:42 PM   #95
run2pee
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I don't recommend reading Shallowed’s review of Siddhartha.

But if you do, don't think about it. Don't analyse it. It is futile. Definitely don't read it one sitting. In writing this review, I had to drop several poops of feces, in a public bathroom, just to lower my inhibitions enough to remind myself of this. So that I wouldn't think about it, and just write.

Shallowed’s review of Siddhartha -- the concept, the thread/poll, the post -- is emblematic of Shallowed’s performance on Netphoria in recent years.

Here's what you already know about it (but i will nevertheless inclu.de in this review just to waste a tiny bit more of each of our precious/only/fleeting lifetimes!):
* It's twelve fucking paragraphs of Shall Fucking… sorry, Shall “Dont quote fuzzyroes” Owed dicking around with a giant vintage keyboard as some sort of halfassed attempt to do something around here besides stalk other boarders about their various boarding choices
* The review was advertised as a review of Siddhartha by William Patrick Corgan, but ended up as a review of the livestream by Monte, as Shallowed simply couldn’t be bothered to undertake anything but the easiest option available
* Corgan's own recording of the performance was independently released as an (admittedly well designed) 5LP box set nearly three years later, which Shallowed clearly didn’t buy, or even try to steal, despite throwing a whole thread/poll for himself wherein he agreed to review the “release”

So, like, anyway, the review started promisingly as possibly the most interesting/generous idea Shallowed has hatched from his hair covered head in recent years. There is no way that he had any idea what he was doing. It's utterly absurd. It was a fun and exciting concept: everyone votes, then our mysterious, esteemed Shallowed will do the brave thing and review whatever release is selected for him. It felt like it could even be a way for a notoriously lazy boarder to redeem himself, somewhat.

However, I really hope that Shallowed didn't expect anyone to take it as seriously as people have, because I can't take it seriously. The more I analyse it, the harder it is to get any amount of enjoyment out of this review. It is more entertaining to read about the history of how Shallowed announced he was going to at least try to contribute something of interest to the pumpkins board, than to read any word of the ultimately disappointing, sham review he produced. And until now, I probably have spent more time in recent years reading negative reputation from Shallowed than reading anything he posts. Because he doesn’t post anymore. Or if he does, it’s “ok.”

When I say, "I don't recommend reading Shallowed’s review of Siddhartha", what I mean is, I don't recommend reading it from a grubby, cracked phone screen, while wearing sunglasses, while also sitting on the toilet of a single stall public restroom at Hy Vee, with a line of eager-to-shit men just outside the stall door. Reading it this way imposes just about every undesirable flaw that one who is publicly undertaking to review a written work would usually make some amount of effort to avoid. Look, I know it's obvious that the review itself is nothing special. Shallowed is no Fuzzyroes, after all. But it's not just the way I chose to experience Shallowed’s review that doesn't do the review justice. It simply doesn't come off as an appropriate way to experience it.

Imagine if I’d actually read Shallowed’s review and done a good faith review of his review instead of this easy cop out bullshit. It could have been legendary. There are few people who have witnessed the entire review in person, because patrons of Netphoria barely exist anymore. Sorry, I lost my train of thought just now because they’re getting angry out there and they all want to poop real bad. I think what I was trying to say is that there is simply no way that a Shallowed post that is TWELVE FUCKING PARAGRAPHS LONG should be experienced in one sitting. Let alone from a grubby cracked phone screen through sunglasses.

There are plenty of words in Shallowed’s review which are downright irritating. There is also plenty of potential for it to be a meditative experience, if you allow it. I can recall the first paragraph being reasonably pleasant, and thinking, "hey, this actually looks pretty interesting, I really wish I had chosen to actually read it like a normal or sane person reviewing a thing might have chosen to do". The second paragraph, however, probably couldn't be saved, even if there weren’t a gang of men violently farting nearby as I (didn’t) read it. Shallowed’s lack of a thesis, hook, or worthwhile observation (beyond empty stoner cliche) becomes more glaringly apparent as he struggles to develop meaningless arpeggiated letters, punctuated by what I think must have been punctuation marks. It makes me wonder if this is all a learning experience for Shallowed, and he wanted us to bear witness to it.

About six paragraphs in, I deleted all of my (actual totally real!) notes describing the review I was pretending to read when I realised all the sudden that 1) im lazy af and 2) doing this entirely wrong. Also I still had five more hours worth of paragraphs to get through. It felt pointless repeating the same face-value descriptions you could find in other reviews of Shallowed’s review. The experience itself, the (wow! m.eta!) self-awareness I felt, that I was actually reading this stupid thing, was more worthwhile to analyse. But even then, I didn’t analyze even that! Hahaha! Joke’s on you!

Anyway, Shallowed’s review is certainly a journey of some kind; then again, im not sure what kind of journey it is because I was squinting so hard to try/fail to read it that my head now hurts. But if you do choose to read this thing, don’t think about it. Definitely don't read it in one sitting. It's just Shallowed fucking around with a vintage keyboard, or whatever else he used to produce this very boring review. Just let it be.

I wish I gave myself more time to craft a more considered review but its 1:28 pm on January 2, i’m entirely way too sober, and they’ve called maintenance to unlock the stall, so I’m desperately wiping to put this whole thing behind me.

Last edited by run2pee : 01-02-2020 at 03:57 PM. Reason: Fartmatting

 
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