What would you do if your mother neglected to tell you...
 

...she had breast cancer? At work today, I had a doctor's office request a report faxed and it ended up being my mother's mammogram report, her history *******d it. She apparently had breast cancer a few years ago and had radiation treatment for it. I guess my dad knew about it but he never told us. I want to ask her why but I'm not sure if I should. On one level I am upset because I had no idea and she is my mother. On the other hand, I know she is a pretty humble person and probably didn't want anybody to get upset. I don't know what to do - asking her will probably upset her but is it selfish of me to have want to have known? I just feel shitty now because I wasn't aware and could have been there but still it was her decision. Any suggestions?

I would be really upset. I think you have the right to know what's going on with your parents health-wise.

I'm glad your mom got through it okay. :)

Ignore it. It's her personal business and she obviously didn't want you to know. Respect her privacy. Besides, it was a while ago, and it's in the past. Talking to her now isn't going to help anything.

That's true. I've been dwelling on it all afternoon and was debating whether or not to tell my siblings but opted not to. I figure it was a total coincidence her doctor's office called and she'll bring it up to us when and if she wants to. It was sure an awful way to find out though.

It all depends on what kind of relationship you have with her. My immediate reaction to the situation is that you're both adults and that you have a right to keep anything you want from each other. It's understandable why you might be upset, but there's nothing inherent about the parent-child relationship that warrants you being mad at her. If you do talk to her, it should be an "I wish you had let me know," sort of thing done as gently as possible. But there's no point in making her feel guilty for something that she dealt with alone years ago by choice. You have reason to feel upset, but she didn't do anything wrong.

good to hear she is ok
if it really bothers you, tell her...that you found the records, and that it shocked you not having know, because you might have been an extra source of support for her
if it really doesn't bother you that much, let it go, and be happy she is healthy :)

We're not the closest family on earth but I'm not mad at her, I'm just upset about not being able to let her know I was there if she needed me. It was my first year away at school and I would have dropped my classes in a second to come home. I'm not going to say anything but it's not like I can just forget what I read.

There's a good reason why she wouldn't tell you.

i'd infect her by putting the AIDS in her french toast and if she didn't tell me she had the AIDS in a few weeks i'd be pissed. two strikes and your out with me. mhmm.

the same thing happened to me. twice. sorta...

my dad had Hep-C for about a year. I knew there was something up because he was tired all the time, came home from work a lot, lots of dr's appointments, different diet, lots of pills, constantly taking his blood pressure..blah blah. when I asked he just said "oh just trying to stay healthy" after about a year I was checking the messages when I got home (alone) and there was the message from the dr saying "congratulations on the lab tests, your hep C is gone."

then, about a few months ago, my mom had a cancer scare. she didn't have it, but they weren't sure and she kept having to get tested. the only way i found out was overhearing them talking in the kitchen about it and i found out she was okay because i found a fax saying the test results were negative.

am i mad? yeah I'm mad. my parents loooove to think that they're totally open people, that "we need communication!!!" blah blah, they get soooooo peeved and pissy if they find out something that I hadn't told them and pry into every aspect of my life. even if it's something like i buy a pair of shoes and forget to tell them and they see themon my feet. "where'd you get those? you didnt tell me? why dont you tell me anything? how much were they?" I think it's only fair that if they want that relationship that it should go both ways. they'd be mad if I had cancer and didn't tell them. they preach the "let's be friends lets share everything" but that really just means "tell me everything and i'll cook you dinner." it's hard to explain and i probably sound like a whiney brat and maybe I am but my parents are very hard to describe and explain, and unless you know what it's like with them, you have the right to say "dont get mad at them they deserve their privacy."

I think it's different when you've living with your parents. I think that at the very least if they found out that whatever they had was life-threatening, they'd be obligated to tell you, but that's sort of a given.

Wait'll you have kids. Ohhh, the secrets you'll know.

thanks for the mammogramaries.

I'm not having kids, and reserve every right to smirk about it.

I would be grateful to her. She chose your comfort over her own, I'm sure she could have used your support.

I know I'd freak out and feel helpless and have no idea what to do. I'd still want to know, but I'd be grateful to her for sparing me the worry, nonetheless.

I still don't know what the hell to do. Should I mention it or let her? It's not that I think she was selfish keeping it to herself but I was just freaking out about how I ended up finding out. I wish I either had never known or she had told me down the road. I have to go over to my parents house for dinner this weekend and I'm thinking of cancelling. Fuck.

It's something that some women are very ashamed and embarassed about. if she doesn't bring it up, you shouldn't either. Period.

Talk to your dad about it. (?)