do any of you ever feel like you're supposed to kill yourself?
 

i'm not talking like, want to kill yourself... or think about it... but supposed to, like you have to?

edit: i am not suicidal

no!? what, like it's fate? no ma'am, I'm a believer in free will

no not like it's fate, like if you don't you'll be punished and somehow that is worse (yes i realize that doesn't make a lot of sense)

Do I need to call someone Erica

Cuz I will

Make me feel like I dont need to

oh shit im sorry

you really really dont need to

im not in any danger, srsly, none at all

just having some weird thoughts come through my mind

threatening stuff

but i realize they will pass

im not suicidal at all i didnt mean to make it look like i am

punished by who, you'll be dead. if you're thinking by a god figure, note that most god figures do not want their humans to act so rashly. yeah, make me feel like i don't need to call someone.

yikes

it doesnt make any sense but it seems like i will be punished by a specific person even though they wouldnt give two shits in reality

how can i be punished with something worse than death?

well i cant

and im not talking god

it's funny how irrational it all is

are we gonna have to do an intervention on your ass?

by that I mean on YOU, as a person, not specifically on your ass, as in that part of your body

no no damn i should have put a disclaimer I AM NOT SUICIDAL

that's the first thing a suicidal person would say!

to throw us off

how do you know its not god, are you a scientist?

how many days has it been since we had a suicidal thoughts thread?

my last one was approximately 7 weeks ago ;)

has it been that long? Shit!

well it was like a week after i got off remeron and it's been about 7 weeks since then since i have dr appointments every 6 weeks. i got back on 15mg bout 10 days ago

i just halved it to 7.5 but it cant be that (literally been one night) - and it doesnt feel like depression suicidal ideation, more like PTSD bullshit. they do feel different

i'd just stay on 15 but it makes me binge at night and im tired of it. last night i was fine on 7.5 as far as eating. hopefully i wont get stupid depressed again

im not really depressed even i just had a tough therapy session and i said some stuff i've never told anybody before and i think she actually understands the complexity of it all (not like a woe is me i'm so complex, im talking about an actual complex situation i was in, well part of one, that is hard to describe because it's like... it's like trying to have empathy for someone who says they were abducted by space aliens... so beyond normal experience it is extremely surreal)

sorry /repblog

can you call your therapist and talk it out?

But these thoughts are still suicidal ideation. Check out the beck scale. Thinking about this in a passive way is still concerning.

A rough session can really take it out of you, but think about calling her back and letting her know about these thoughts. k? Also, is there a reason why you halved your dose? Is the dr instructing it?

edit* because it makes you hungry.... you may want to try binging on something healthy with less calories? Just saying.. playing with the dose can cause some probs.

I didn't know that song had a video. Hilarious.

As for the rest of this thread.. I'm not sure if I know that feel.

yeah my psychiatrist and i discussed me going back on 15 until i felt better and then trying to go to 7.5. he thought it would take 1-2 weeks

scott, starla: i will email her and let her know and i'll call her if i feel like i'm in any danger at all

didnt mean to worry anyone

I've felt this more and more the last three or so years, now that my arhtitis is slowly getting worse and my social phobia/hyper sensitivity hasn't improved. it feels like all the roads have always led to this point and it's been very foolish of me to struggle like i have. i recon it's the same feeling some people have when they are about to do something they've felt like doing for a long time but haven't had the guts to, like finally buying that hamock they always wanted. Just a feeling though, nothing to do with believing in a fate that's been predetermined by a diety or something like that.

no. but sometimes i do come to the conclusion logically. logically for me, anyway.

i can't imagine living another 30 years.

you sure you shouldn't talk to her anyway... even if you're not immediately going to do something like that. i mean... you're verbalizing it

you don't need to worry about making people worry... it's Ok

sorry to hear you feel bad, dean

i used to feel terrible all the time... im very grateful for the relief i've gotten and that i have. sure i get like this sometimes, but it's nothing compared to feeling like this 24/7 for years... that wears on you like nothing else can.

do you mean have to like, it's the next step? like 'time to face my fear and go bungee jumping' (or whatever) would be a somewhat normal "next step" for someone, and this is just yours? next step death, it's the only way forward?

i will be ok, thanks though :) i do know when i would need to reach out to a professional, even though i havent needed to for a long time. i have the direct cell phones for both my docs... i very rarely call so they trust me to have them. no worries

for shits and giggles i just informally took the beck scale and got a 31

yeah i get you here too... like my life is only 1/3 over (or so)? seems crazy

i figure mine's about half over

none of my male ancestors have lived past 75. My dad is 61 and is such a physical wreck that i can't believe he's still around. I've seen him receive last rights twice in the past 10 years. Both times he gave the priest the middle finger. LOL

i dont think i will live past 35

thats the age i will not live past

Well it's good that you've got some relief from your mental anguish, personally i haven't been through even a fraction of what you've had to deal with in your life and i'm still miserable all the time, so i think that speaks volumes about what a massive dolt i am.

Yes some of that, a mixture of things. It's partly a feeling of predetermination even though intellectually i don't belive in that (other than whatever determination you get from cause and effect etc). I suppose in some ways it seems like the normal thing to do as well, why deal with this stuff day in, day out? Doesn't make any sense, there's only stick and no carrot. Me need carrot.

you're not a dolt... yeah i've had my share of shit but don't underestimate just plain bad genes/chemistry. most of what i'd describe as 'misery' is depression, even for me with my other things going on. plus i'd bet you've gone through some stuff as well, that none of us know about on here

i definitely used to feel that predetermination thing... there's only so much you can deal with before you just say fuck it... for sure. some people would say it's selfish but it's definitely not. but regardless, i hope you can find some relief and stick around for a while longer. it is worth it to feel better but it sucks that there's no guarantee and even in the feeling better you'll might still feel bad sometimes (like i do right now)

I used to not be able to imagine living past 30. I just thought there was no way. the thought of it made no sense at all to me. But right around 30 yrs old I got out of a destructive relationship and it eventually changed my perspective. My whole life i'd been governed by people who knew how to push my buttons and send me into fits of self doubt, loathing, etc.

After that i couldn't believe I ever thought that way. it's difficult to believe now that that was my life for 30 years.

I feel like I am meant to be murdered

I figured for most of my life that I'd die of cancer or someone would kill me. but I know now that was caused by people who constantly told me I was worthless. And of course, by the Catholic church that told me not only was i worthless, I was worse than worthless and I'd probably suffer eternal missery anyway.

i couldn't see myself older than 18 and that happened. i couldn't see myself past 30 and that happened. and i assume the same will keep happening every decade.

my 20s were such a trainwreck i really thought there was no realistic 'next step' but things sort of fell into place in the end. not that my life is fantastic now but if you knew me five years ago you'd probably think 'this guy is hopeless'

hopefully the same goes for anybody who wants to make an honest effort at life. sounds trite but whatever