for shits and giggles i just informally took the beck scale and got a 31

yeah i get you here too... like my life is only 1/3 over (or so)? seems crazy

i figure mine's about half over

none of my male ancestors have lived past 75. My dad is 61 and is such a physical wreck that i can't believe he's still around. I've seen him receive last rights twice in the past 10 years. Both times he gave the priest the middle finger. LOL

i dont think i will live past 35

thats the age i will not live past

Well it's good that you've got some relief from your mental anguish, personally i haven't been through even a fraction of what you've had to deal with in your life and i'm still miserable all the time, so i think that speaks volumes about what a massive dolt i am.

Yes some of that, a mixture of things. It's partly a feeling of predetermination even though intellectually i don't belive in that (other than whatever determination you get from cause and effect etc). I suppose in some ways it seems like the normal thing to do as well, why deal with this stuff day in, day out? Doesn't make any sense, there's only stick and no carrot. Me need carrot.

you're not a dolt... yeah i've had my share of shit but don't underestimate just plain bad genes/chemistry. most of what i'd describe as 'misery' is depression, even for me with my other things going on. plus i'd bet you've gone through some stuff as well, that none of us know about on here

i definitely used to feel that predetermination thing... there's only so much you can deal with before you just say fuck it... for sure. some people would say it's selfish but it's definitely not. but regardless, i hope you can find some relief and stick around for a while longer. it is worth it to feel better but it sucks that there's no guarantee and even in the feeling better you'll might still feel bad sometimes (like i do right now)

I used to not be able to imagine living past 30. I just thought there was no way. the thought of it made no sense at all to me. But right around 30 yrs old I got out of a destructive relationship and it eventually changed my perspective. My whole life i'd been governed by people who knew how to push my buttons and send me into fits of self doubt, loathing, etc.

After that i couldn't believe I ever thought that way. it's difficult to believe now that that was my life for 30 years.

I feel like I am meant to be murdered

I figured for most of my life that I'd die of cancer or someone would kill me. but I know now that was caused by people who constantly told me I was worthless. And of course, by the Catholic church that told me not only was i worthless, I was worse than worthless and I'd probably suffer eternal missery anyway.

i couldn't see myself older than 18 and that happened. i couldn't see myself past 30 and that happened. and i assume the same will keep happening every decade.

my 20s were such a trainwreck i really thought there was no realistic 'next step' but things sort of fell into place in the end. not that my life is fantastic now but if you knew me five years ago you'd probably think 'this guy is hopeless'

hopefully the same goes for anybody who wants to make an honest effort at life. sounds trite but whatever

hmmm five years ago i had just started therapy, was in the hospital for about 4 months total from april 23 and early nov 2008

on and off drugs. mostly on.

finding myself in weird places with no memory very often, several times a week

living in a halfway house

had a stalker starting in dec 2008

also had the police investigating my family and my family barely speaking to me as a result. and some back and forth calls from the FBI about another matter

parents announced divorce (was a good thing, but stressful)

health insurance ran out in mid 2008 (had cobra from my last job), no money still had not applied for disability yet, living off my family who were, as previously mentioned, barely talking to me. lucky they had the money at all... they certainly dont now

i guess things are pretty good now

I have at times, in certain moments, felt that a painful death was on its way and it would be an appropriate and acceptable end to my life. Once I called for help though, just called emergency services.

this thread is a lot of wanking

absolutely, yes.

-teamlanadelrey

Are you thinking of it in a spiritual sense?

I truly fear death. I was at the cemetery the other day and was reminded of an old joke my dad used to say whenever we'd pass by a cemetery. He'd say "People are just dying to get in there" and he'd always laugh about that. I don't think he ever feared death.

I'm not afraid of being dead but I'm terrified of the pain of dying

that kind of distinction indicates you havent thought about what death is. i call bullshit on you doing dmt or heroin. if youve done these things you'd atleast know SOMETHING about body and brain and even soul death. ive never heard of anyone fearing being dead. what is there to fear in being void of feeling, debt, pain? being dead is more peaceful than being asleep. people are afraid to sleep beause of nightmares. this is understandable. the pain leading to death will only occur if you have lots of bad karma and you overdose but retain enough conciousness to feel the cockroaches eat you from the inside out on the bed bug ridden, piss and feces staind mattess you passed out on in that foreclosed home in your cul de sac.

Read my sentence better. I've "died" on DMT before, it was not void of feeling at all.

I mean the feelings weren't very clear, but there was definitely abundant emotion. Awe mostly

Anyway, I'm not afraid of a death like that, but I don't know if I believe that DMT space is really what death is. I'm really afraid of things like suffocating or being stabbed, how is that unreasonable

i cant read your sentence better, because it cant make it self better. i bet it felt like losing your way i wal mart. lost in the electronics department. you should do more drugs.

thats guilty fear of homicide because you havent paid your pimp. its reasonable for someone who might get killed for a justifiable thing.

i experienced that eating really spicy pho.

something about asphyxiation really turns me off. worst death imo. it has nothing to do with guilt and everything to do with burning pain in the lungs and the inability to breathe to the point of dying!

michael hutchence and david carradine (and others) would disagree. you can conquer your fear of drowning by having a friend or family member hold you under water until you pass out at a public pool. revive, then go enjoy delicious nachos or corn dogs and reminise about that time you almost died. or have a lover choke you as youre reaching orgasm and maybe take a swift punch in the face as you climax. pass out unconcious and then wake up and enjoy an omlette. maybe watch some tmz or a documentary about real suffering.

it's a simple enough carnal fear, no real way to belittle it. plus choking on anything has always reinforced the fear, not diminished it. how can you really experience it fully and survive anyway?

the later stages of drowning become peaceful. get past all that panic and clenching of muscles. soon you relax and just stare at the blue. all of moby's albums start to make sense. seapunk becomes a lifestyle. reruns of mr belvedere play on a tiny pink tv in the distance. pink floyd blasts from a distant planet. it's about release. letting go of the anxiety. plenty of people die or push the limits of physical death and come back. flatliners is based on a true story. it really happened in boston.

wow

What an awful place this is