My Crazy Family and My Crazy Visit
 

I'll just list the highlights since I'm sure most of you don't care:

1. I arrive to find more relatives showed up than expected. I show up at my parents house with my mother running around like crazy hosting. I find my dad hiding in the closet overwhelmed. I immediately go for the wine (only booze available) and my mother asks me to get a glass for Dad so he'll calm down and come out, uhm, of the closet.

2. My grandma can't stop talking TO EVERYONE about how excited she is about having sex.

3. I'm told the horrific story of my grandma's shower - her old friends bought her lingerie. She then goes and models it for all of them. :hurl: (my mother kindly declines to give details)

4. My grandma's cell phone has Sex and The City ringtone. She's my parents receptionist at their non-profit and would have "intimate" phone calls at the front desk for all to hear.

5. My sister just renovated a house from the 1880s. She has to have it appraised the day after I arrive, and since I'm staying there, I'm looped into cleaning the house, watching the three kids while trying to work a full day on my computer.

6. My grandma argues with the pastor who's officiating the ceremony . . . DURING the ceremony.

7. My mother's toast at the rehearsal dinner. "Well, it's good to see everyone here. I'm just glad it's for a wedding and not a funeral."

8. My grandma's new husband, whom I've talked to once for 30 seconds, has no teeth and no dentures. He finally got them the day before the wedding . . . and only because my mother bugged him to get some.

9. A friend of my sister's and I shows up that I haven't seen in 15 years. She tells us she had a baby at 16, had another at 18 and gave it up for adoption. She goes on to tell us she's now a evangelical christian (ie. speaks in tongues). She asks me why I'm not married and I reply, "I'm gay." Her immediate response, "What?! But you're not effeminate!" She then goes on to say it's not natural and the sex is far from natural. I reply in detail (which I won't write here), "Where's the prostate?" She looks at me blankly and then says, "In the anus???" To which I reply, "Why would God put it there if it's a source of pleasure." She shuts up. (Of course, during this discourse, we're surrounded by friends and family)

10. My mom gets upset that I didn't say good-bye to Grandma after the ceremony because she's going to a motel straight afterwards and I wont' see her before I leave and that Grandma will get upset. I said I'll call. Grandma forgets something at the house, and I bump into her and say "Good-bye." She responds, "Oh, bye. I'm off to the MOTEEEEL!" And she runs out.

There's more, but I'll spare you.

lmao

that was awesome. i like the bit about the prostate

no wonder youre gay

yes, it's all coming together for me, too.

how old is your gramma?

you ... David Sedaris?

if your life was a movie, i would cast danny devito to play you

66. She's young for a grandma, but due to her health, she looks 76. :( I still shudder about the shower.

edit: to put it in context, she had to get a breast reduction surgery. I can only imagine what they saw during the modeling.

is she a rather large woman?

how old is her new husband?

she use to be pretty big but lost a lot of weight, but you couldn't tell because of her big bazoombas. but now she gained some weight, so it's evened out.

her new husband is 65.

.

old people having sex is still gross

well it sounds like you had an interesting time!

entertaining tidbits.

you dont even seem that gay to me.

why was your dad in the closet? that was more disquieting to me than the rest, because the grandma shit is so over the top..

he was hiding from our crazy relatives. plus, my grandma lived with my parents and i think she finally drove him over the edge, especially with all the wedding stuff, so when her siblings showed up, he kind of, well, flipped.

hiding though? really? since when is hiding an acceptable option for adults in situations other than actual combat?

i know. poor guy, he really needed that wine . . . maybe i should write my script on my family.

Sean Casey, this is your movie!

this is a phenomenal sentence.