Netphoria Message Board - "10 Things I hate about gay porn."

http://www.avninsider.com/stories/co...er062805.shtml

Heh heh.. funny!
Here, read...

10 Things I Hate About Gay Porn

OK, so there's this guy, see, and he's hanging out, just minding his own business on a farm when along comes this truck ambling down the dirt road toward him. The truck comes to a stop, and out steps this hunky dude wiping sweat from his chest with a tank top. He looks over, sees the other dude, and walks over to him. Without a word, the other dude drops to his knees and fishes the trucker's dick out of his pants and starts-

CUT!

Who the fuck is writing this stuff? Jesus! Am I the only person who groans (in a bad way, I might add) while watching most of today's porn? What's with the ridiculous setups and lack of imagination going into triple-X cinema, people? Since when did "pornography" equal "completely devoid of creativity"???

With this column, I'm going to list a series of porn peeves that I have about the porn that's being made today. Sorry straights, but these will be focused on gay porn (since that is, of course, my specialty, if you will), but they can also apply to boy-girl porn as well. Trust me, I'm sure many of you happy heteros will be able to relate to many of the things on this list. So, without further ado, here we go.

1. Lame Setups. This is by far the most annoying of the pet peeves that I have about porn movies. The above scenario with the two farm guys is just one of many infractions that today's porn makers are making against the industry they claim to want to inspire. But let's pull it apart for a moment, shall we? Because there are a couple of things that I need to know in order to be turned on by this scene. For instance, who are those two guys in the farm scene? Does one-or both-of them work there? Is one of them the boss, and the other a ranch hand? Do they have sex often, thus accounting for the lack of words spoken between them? And for that matter, are we to just automatically assume that they're both gay?

I fucking hate it when porn directors do these scenes where guys just start having sex after locking eyes for all of two seconds. It's one sure-fire way to kill my erection. And I'll tell you why: because THIS NEVER HAPPENS IN REAL LIFE! When was the last time you walked into a room, saw somebody you never met before in your life, and started having sex with them? (And I mean apart from your last visit to the local sex club, you filthy little pig.)

Sex, to me, is always hotter when there is some kind of history between the guys who are having it. For instance, two old college buddies who nursed secret crushes on each other back in the day and who are just now getting together after a 10-year separation following graduation could have some pretty hot, passionate sex if a filmmaker presented that as a scenario. Ditto an older brother who's home on college break that teaches his little brother how to "help a brother out"-and then some. Just tossing two guys onscreen together and having them fuck does not a hot porn film make. Give your characters a valid reason for being on the screen-and give your audiences a reason to not hit that fast forward button. (This has a lot more to do with your script, of course. So why not try writing better scripts? Just an idea.)

Porn filmmakers like to say things like, "People don't real life; they want fantasy." Well, that maybe true, but in my fantasies, people actually seduce each other, OK? They don't just get down to business without some kind of dialogue spoken between them, especially when you're laying eyes on someone for the first time. Hell, half the attraction to new meat is the fact that he might be straight. When I'm going after someone I've just met (outside of a gay-specific zone), the hottest part of the chase is not knowing whether or not I'm gonna get hit on-or just get hit.

To me, this kind of lazy (yes, folks, lazy) filmmaking is an insult to my intelligence, and to the intelligence of gay men all across the world. I also think that this kind of porn contributes to the increasingly detached viewpoint that a lot of today's gay men have toward not only sex, but each other. These lame scenarios encourage gay men to treat each other like nothing more than sexual objects-pieces of meat, if you will-and actively discourage treating each other like, first and foremost, people.

A lot of directors will defend themselves by saying, "Yeah, but most porn stars can't act, so why have them speak?" Well, here's a thought, people: Why not actually work with your models and get them to do more than just act like robots for a change? I know it sounds crazy-revolutionary, but hey, give it a shot, why don't you? Which brings me to...

2. Lazy filmmaking. They're called porn films for a reason, people. Films are movies, and most movies have plots, characters, dialogue, and action. Most porn films today have a lot of the "action" (or so we're told anyway), but little of the other elements involved in creating a truly entertaining experience. Give us a story that's worth telling. It doesn't have to be Dickens; just make it interesting, make it unique, make it sexy. Take a Screenwriting 101 class somewhere, or simply hire better writers. Sex should be intellectually stimulating, because, as anyone knows, it's the brain that tells out dicks to get hard.

And about those porn models: Stop feeding them their fucking lines the day they show up on the set. Make them memorize their lines (again, I know that's a crazy thought) or tell them they won't work for you again. Models need to remember their place: Because if they won't do it, there are 20 others that will. And spend a little bit of time talking to them about how they'd like to play a scene. Gather the cast together and have a couple read-throughs of the script, for God's sake. How about a rehearsal or two, even if it's right before you shoot the scene? And, for the love of semen, if your model can't act, then give him a line reading. There's nothing worse than monotone speech. I want a living, breathing man with feelings, not a Stepford Stud.

3. Badly Done Storytelling. On second thought, if you can't tell a story right, then it's probably best to stick to all-sex movies. For example, I hate it when directors try and film scenes in which one of the guys is supposedly straight and yet the straight dude sucks cock like he's been doing it all his life. (Can I get an amen here?) Make it real, people. Put some effort into it. If you're going to do a rape scene, make sure the guy who's being forced to suck cock doesn't give in once the dick is in his mouth. Make that fucker squirm throughout the whole scene. If you're not going to commit to these scenes, then please, do the rest of us a favor and don't even bother trying them. It's a major boner-kill, and it just makes you look plain stupid.

4. Overchoreographed Sex. This is another biggie that I feel is wrong with porn today. There's no spontaneity anymore. Most sex scenes are strictly fuck-by-numbers, as in A sucks B, B sucks A, B rims A, then B fucks A, with little variation. This kind of overchoreographed, lame sex is killing porn. It's boring to watch, and again, it's unrealistic. The models shouldn't have to cheat out to the cameras so much. Your videographers should be trained to find ways of getting the goods without making it look so damned pretty. Sex is rarely pretty to look at in real life. Put a little bit of improvisation back in there. Which brings me to...

5. Overlong Sex Scenes. This has got to stop, people. No more looping footage over and over again to make your sex scenes last longer than they really did on the set. We're not as stupid as you seem to think we are, and, again, it just makes you look really lazy. Sex scenes don't need to be 20-minute-long marathon sessions. Hell, most real-life sex only lasts between three to 10 minutes-if you're lucky! I know you're trying to save money by filming less sex scenes (whatever happened to the days when most porn films contained five sex scenes?), but come on already! People get mad when there are too many reruns of their favorite TV shows; we don't need to see the same rehashed footage in our porn movies.

6. Choppy Editing. If I see one more rubber suddenly appear on a dick after it's already been inserted into somebody's butt, I'm gonna scream. (Wait; I'm watching a porn film now. Aaaaaaarrrrgggghhhhhh!) People, if we are to actively encourage the use of condoms and inspire gay guys to engage in safe sex, then let's help them along with that just a little bit by showing them how sexy it can be to put a condom on. Condoms shouldn't magically appear out of thin air. And it shouldn't be assumed that everybody uses them. Have the characters briefly discuss the use of condoms; work it into the scene. Other major editing peeves: Show your models undressing each other, for God's sake. Don't just skip to them having sex already. Keep that seduction rolling, will you? And when they change positions, show them doing so. If you're looking for ways to make your sex scenes last longer, these are naturalistic, sexy ways to do so. Use common sense, not dick sense.

7. Overly Primped Porn Stars. It's sad to say, but we have entered a porn crisis, and it's called steroids! Yes, folks, the proliferation of usage of these muscle-pumping drugs is destroying self-esteem in the gay community. Why do you think so many gay men say they are tired of watching gay porn and have migrated to straight porn? Because guys in straight porn don't all look the same. Remember when the guys in porn weren't so fresh-from-the-gym (or, more accurately, the needle)? Guys used to have bodies, not cloned physiques that look bought and paid for. It'd be nice to see porn directors casting guys who resemble what men look like, not what porn stars look like. Muscle guys are hot, but they aren't the only men having sex, and I, for one, think we need to help gay men feel better about themselves by showing that "sexy" and "hot" can be represented by a variety of body types. (If you don't agree with that, check out Joe Gage's two most recent films, Back to Barstow and 110° in Tucson for examples of how everyday, ordinary guys can be incorporated into porn to nut-busting effect.)

8. Dubbed Vocal Tracks. Along the lines of looping, this is another thing that seriously jolts me out of a scene's sexual momentum. It's embarrassing that people are still doing it with all the technology that we have today, but yet there it is: Porn with vocal tracks that make it look like bad Kung Fu. Either A) match those vocals correctly, or B) record it live. Don't kill your own movie with bad dubbing.

9. Boring Music. Hey, how's about getting some of your music composers to try something besides those dungeon-esque tracks that just drone on and on? Why not get them to create musical scores that actually have something to do with the themes presented in your movies? Porn scores don't all have to sound the same. In real life, we fuck to all kinds of music. Your scores should try reflecting that for a welcome change.

10. Gay-for-Pay Models. Last but certainly not least, it's time that we either stop using gay-for-pay models or get them to actually be gay for pay. It's bad enough that we're adding to low self-esteem in the gay community by getting gay guys to fawn all over straight dudes-so why not give us some kind of payoff to balance it out? We all know that straight guys aren't paid shit in straight porn, so essentially they are using us to get a fatter paycheck. Well, I say make these guys actually work for those paychecks, and make them earn that cash. A guy shows up on a set and says he won't suck dick? Fine, dock his pay. If he doesn't want to take part in our little reindeer games, he shouldn't be playing in the first place. It's called "gay-for-pay" for a fucking reason, people!

OK, there you go: My top 10 pet peeves in gay porn. Did I ruffle a couple feathers? I hope so, but I do it with nothing but admiration and respect for those who are out there making porn. After all, you're the revolutionaries in an increasingly conservative and intolerant world, and that's to be commended. Still, there's always room for improvement. Listen to your audiences. Hell, listen to me. I didn't major in theater and go to film school for nothing.

Now that I've probably pissed off about half the porn community, I'm going to get to work on my next column: "Why Porn People Are So Fucking Crazy!"

Until then, ciao!

- Colt Spencer