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dont read this post, it's just another rant.
about how fucking stupid i am.
and how with every group of people i've ever tried to be friends with, i've always felt like an outsider and aborted when true friendships really started to develop. it's a vicious cycle, and it isnt stopping, i am my own worst enemy. |
ay pobresito..
I can't be alone ever i cling to people. sometimes my friends get obsessive though and wont let me talk to other people it's kinda scary i've had about 4 of those |
my best group of friends from high school called me earlier today, i just listened to my voicemail "matt why are you dissapearing again? fucking stop it we wanna hang out!"
but the truth is, whenever i hang out with them, i see that each of them plays a role in each other's friendship, it's almost like a story that im reading, and then there's me, the outsider that's just sort of viewing from a distance, putting my 2 cents in every once in awhile. even though i probably play just as much a role in everyone's friendship there as they each other. somehow i view this as me bieng a bad friend, and that all of us are better off without me even bieng there...so i leave, and think it's better off that way, even though rationality is telling me otherwise, people dont think this way, they dont act this way...so why am i? picking it apart is harder than anything. |
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your ability to acknowlege rational thinking and inability to accept it reminds me of a character in a book i'm reading called White Noise. The guy has this constant fear of death...worries about it all the time....and it causes his actions in his life to avoid it in ever which way possible....
in one part he's discussing death with a fellow lecturer for a university...and the man points out that everyone in life fears their own mortality...but that a majority of them distract themselves of it with their daily lives, with goals, with actions in pursuit of attaining their goals....and all the while it's just a natural ability for them (us) to forget and ignore the fact that the existence we know is not without end, and that ultimately we will die. and the point is, that this main character, was in the minority....because he didn't have the ability to change how he couldn't ignore his fear of death no matter how much he wanted to... i wish i could help you. all of that was pretty useless, really. but i'm sorry you have to go through that matt... |
self awareness just sucks, doesn't it?
wish i could give you some words of encouragement or something but ummmm....yeah. sorry. :( |
I think everyone feels like that at some point in their lives.. I know a lot of my friends get insecure about their relationships with other people and I know I do all the time.. I think you've got to realise you're not the only one and that no matter how confident or happy they seem on the surface, they probably feel simmilar to you. I mean, they obviously do want to hang with you if they left you a message and didn't just hang up on you and they value you as a friend.
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i'm so glad that i didn't click on this thread.
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Happy New Years Eve Netphoria.
I'm having a shitty time too if that helps you at all Matt. *hug* And I still haven't slept. |
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I'm personally disturbed by this eatting/shitting vicious cycle.
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whoa. that exact same thing happens to me.
i hate how it's way too easy to find new friends and ride off the easy stages of initially making friends too. i'm getting by i guess, but i don't really know how to get around it other than to try and concentrate on working against it really hard, which sometimes fails and causes fits of self-hatred. |
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New Year's Eve/Day whining is the worst. Sad thing is, this is just the beginning.
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Re: dont read this post, it's just another rant.
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Re: Re: dont read this post, it's just another rant.
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Re: Re: Re: dont read this post, it's just another rant.
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And miss an opprotunity to remind Matt what an unbelievable moron he is and always will be? Not bloody likely.
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Matt, is sounds like you need to start hanging out with these people on a 1-on-1 basis. That way there isn't this group dynamic, and once you've clicked a little with them individually you'll find them easier to talk to in a group situation
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He holds a lot of sway with the high school kids.
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A New Fragrance from Big Bertha's Dollar Store
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And more reputable outlets!
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Re: A New Fragrance from Big Bertha's Dollar Store
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