Funny Masturbation Stories! Yay!

Blue*Carbonite · 04-15-2005, 03:37 AM

when i was 17, i was home alone and quite horny. after popping the vhs p0rn in (i still remember the name...The Tool Box...hahahaha), i started wanking. i ran out of spit, and didn't have any lotion, so i ran to the bathroom and grabbed the first lotion i saw. about 30 seconds after applying, i started noticing that my cock felt cooooooooooool....like Icy Hot coooooool. then it got hot...like Icy Hot hot. i frantically scrubbed it off, but it was still burning after 10 minutes. then i looked at the bottle, and realized i was using Sarna's Anti-Itch Lotion. eek.

please, feel free to post some. i'm sure y'all have dozens.

Graveflower · 03:45 AM

*censored*

Axis of Action · 04-15-2005, 03:39 AM

I still remember the first time I ever masturbated

it was the summer before 7th grade, I was ... I guess 12 or 13, and on vacation at my aunt's beach house... I was sitting on the toilet, and somehow I discovered that rubbing my penis felt good... so I kept it up... and then I had an orgasm and I was like "what the fucking shit did I just do!?!" ... I found out during 7th grade I had masturbated. it was pretty awesome. no one told me, it was totally self-discovered. I'm pretty proud of that.

Graveflower · 04-15-2005, 03:40 AM

liz, please don't read this thread

Blue*Carbonite · 04-15-2005, 03:40 AM

ok i have one more. kinda lame though.
i hooked up with guy once, and when i came i shot myself in the eye. i was too young to know that it burns if you leave it in, so i rolled over and fell asleep. a few hours later i woke up and realized that, not only did my eye feel like it was on fire, but it was so gummed up that i couldn't open it. it took foreva to rinse it all out, and even after the next day it was red and nasty looking.

THE END.

Karl Connor · 04-15-2005, 03:42 AM

a year ago i prolly wouldve typed out a word-for-word recount of such an experience under this thread with a straight face.

Blue*Carbonite · 04-15-2005, 03:42 AM

awesome story, sean casey.

Graveflower · 04-15-2005, 03:44 AM

actually at this point i can't keep putting stuff like that on here

i need to go to a board where i havent met so many people

Karl Connor · 04-15-2005, 03:46 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by Sean Casey
actually at this point i can't keep putting stuff like that on here

that's how i've been feeling about my forum exploits as of late

Karl Connor · 04-15-2005, 03:47 AM

some of you know more about me than my mom does

Blue*Carbonite · 04-15-2005, 03:48 AM

i know more about your mom that you do

Axis of Action · 04-15-2005, 03:49 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by Randall Sandell
some of you know more about me than my mom does

actually I think it's pretty natural that your friends know more about you than your mom does. there are certain things you just don't want to talk about with your parents. like drinking, drugs, sex, school, etc.

Karl Connor · 04-15-2005, 03:51 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by Axis of Action

actually I think it's pretty natural that your friends know more about you than your mom does.

ditto, yeah. im such a male bimbo @ times. esp. @ 3am CST

vanilla · 04-15-2005, 03:56 AM

i've told netphoria this before, but i'll tell it again. when i was in 12th grade we went to the Minnesota Zoo. There was this machine that you'd put about a dollar into and it would make a plastic mold. i chose to get the shark. well later on that night i decided to masturbate with the shark. it was the first time i had ever put something inside of me. it was strange and then i felt a little shame or something. but it's funny to me now.

Blue*Carbonite · 04-15-2005, 04:00 AM

i should try that with those blue gummi sharks.
or Swedish Fish.

Karl Connor · 04-15-2005, 04:01 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by vanilla
later on that night i decided to masturbate with the shark.

quote of the month

Blue*Carbonite · 04-15-2005, 04:02 AM

it's now my location.

pink_ribbon_scars · 04-15-2005, 10:04 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by Sean Casey
liz, please don't read this thread

:D

it's perfectly natural!

that is, unless it's in our computer chair.

D:

Mariner · 04-15-2005, 10:17 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by pink_ribbon_scars

:D

...

D:

neopryn · 04-15-2005, 10:38 AM

aw fuck i missed it

Grumble · 04-15-2005, 10:42 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by neopryn
aw fuck i missed it

It involved a light bulb and a dead fish. You do the math.

Johnny_Swallow · 04-15-2005, 10:42 AM

A friend of mine got a blow-up doll for his birthday one year, and one night when he was jerking off he decided to try it out. So he's buck naked, fucking a blowup doll with his ass in the wind when his door bursts open and his mom yells 'JOSH OH MY GOD WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!?!??' Afterward, she made him pop it and throw it away.

True story.

Mariner · 04-15-2005, 10:43 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by Johnny_Swallow
Afterward, she made him pop it and throw it away.

again?

neopryn · 04-15-2005, 10:44 AM

i don't have anything good. i'm so boring.

neopryn · 04-15-2005, 10:45 AM

man how could she make him throw it away. it's not illegal. fucking nazi.

pee pee colada · 04-15-2005, 10:55 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by Blue*Carbonite
i should try that with those blue gummi sharks.

gelatin

Quote:

or Swedish Fish.

no gelatin

smashingjj · 04-15-2005, 11:02 AM

toothpaste

:erm

mistle · 04-15-2005, 01:03 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by smashingjj
toothpaste

HA!

pink_ribbon_scars · 04-15-2005, 01:04 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by smashingjj
toothpaste

:erm

ouch, man

ravenguy2000 · 04-15-2005, 01:06 PM

Somebody tell me what Sean Casey said.

04-15-2005, 03:37 AM	#1 (permalink)
Blue*Carbonite Apocalyptic Poster Location: stand up and tell em you're from pittsburgh Posts: 3,831	Funny Masturbation Stories! Yay! when i was 17, i was home alone and quite horny. after popping the vhs p0rn in (i still remember the name...The Tool Box...hahahaha), i started wanking. i ran out of spit, and didn't have any lotion, so i ran to the bathroom and grabbed the first lotion i saw. about 30 seconds after applying, i started noticing that my cock felt cooooooooooool....like Icy Hot coooooool. then it got hot...like Icy Hot hot. i frantically scrubbed it off, but it was still burning after 10 minutes. then i looked at the bottle, and realized i was using Sarna's Anti-Itch Lotion. eek. please, feel free to post some. i'm sure y'all have dozens. __________________ Show me your tits. And let's make a hit.

04-15-2005, 03:39 AM	#2 (permalink)
Graveflower rock hard Location: In your lobby with a knife, that's how I creep Posts: 39,973	censored Last edited by Sean Casey : 04-15-2005 at 03:45 AM.

04-15-2005, 03:42 AM	#7 (permalink)
Blue*Carbonite Apocalyptic Poster Location: stand up and tell em you're from pittsburgh Posts: 3,831	awesome story, sean casey. __________________ Show me your tits. And let's make a hit.

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04-15-2005, 03:39 AM	#3 (permalink)
Axis of Action smashing good time Location: ur underpants lol Posts: 13,218	I still remember the first time I ever masturbated it was the summer before 7th grade, I was ... I guess 12 or 13, and on vacation at my aunt's beach house... I was sitting on the toilet, and somehow I discovered that rubbing my penis felt good... so I kept it up... and then I had an orgasm and I was like "what the fucking shit did I just do!?!" ... I found out during 7th grade I had masturbated. it was pretty awesome. no one told me, it was totally self-discovered. I'm pretty proud of that.

04-15-2005, 03:40 AM	#4 (permalink)
Graveflower rock hard Location: In your lobby with a knife, that's how I creep Posts: 39,973	liz, please don't read this thread

04-15-2005, 03:40 AM	#5 (permalink)
Blue*Carbonite Apocalyptic Poster Location: stand up and tell em you're from pittsburgh Posts: 3,831	ok i have one more. kinda lame though. i hooked up with guy once, and when i came i shot myself in the eye. i was too young to know that it burns if you leave it in, so i rolled over and fell asleep. a few hours later i woke up and realized that, not only did my eye feel like it was on fire, but it was so gummed up that i couldn't open it. it took foreva to rinse it all out, and even after the next day it was red and nasty looking. THE END.

04-15-2005, 03:42 AM	#6 (permalink)
Karl Connor want some candy? Posts: 18,875	a year ago i prolly wouldve typed out a word-for-word recount of such an experience under this thread with a straight face.

04-15-2005, 03:44 AM	#8 (permalink)
Graveflower rock hard Location: In your lobby with a knife, that's how I creep Posts: 39,973	actually at this point i can't keep putting stuff like that on here i need to go to a board where i havent met so many people

04-15-2005, 03:47 AM	#10 (permalink)
Karl Connor want some candy? Posts: 18,875	some of you know more about me than my mom does

04-15-2005, 03:48 AM	#11 (permalink)
Blue*Carbonite Apocalyptic Poster Location: stand up and tell em you're from pittsburgh Posts: 3,831	i know more about your mom that you do

04-15-2005, 03:56 AM	#14 (permalink)
vanilla i <3 eskimo pussy Location: THE midwest Posts: 9,713	i've told netphoria this before, but i'll tell it again. when i was in 12th grade we went to the Minnesota Zoo. There was this machine that you'd put about a dollar into and it would make a plastic mold. i chose to get the shark. well later on that night i decided to masturbate with the shark. it was the first time i had ever put something inside of me. it was strange and then i felt a little shame or something. but it's funny to me now.

04-15-2005, 04:00 AM	#15 (permalink)
Blue*Carbonite Apocalyptic Poster Location: stand up and tell em you're from pittsburgh Posts: 3,831	i should try that with those blue gummi sharks. or Swedish Fish.

04-15-2005, 04:02 AM	#17 (permalink)
Blue*Carbonite Apocalyptic Poster Location: stand up and tell em you're from pittsburgh Posts: 3,831	it's now my location.

04-15-2005, 10:38 AM	#20 (permalink)
neopryn let's see your penis! Location: i had a few beers, but i'm cool to drive Posts: 31,505	aw fuck i missed it

04-15-2005, 10:42 AM	#22 (permalink)
Johnny_Swallow Apocalyptic Poster Location: University of Arkansas Posts: 981	A friend of mine got a blow-up doll for his birthday one year, and one night when he was jerking off he decided to try it out. So he's buck naked, fucking a blowup doll with his ass in the wind when his door bursts open and his mom yells 'JOSH OH MY GOD WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!?!??' Afterward, she made him pop it and throw it away. True story.

04-15-2005, 10:44 AM	#24 (permalink)
neopryn let's see your penis! Location: i had a few beers, but i'm cool to drive Posts: 31,505	i don't have anything good. i'm so boring.

04-15-2005, 10:45 AM	#25 (permalink)
neopryn let's see your penis! Location: i had a few beers, but i'm cool to drive Posts: 31,505	man how could she make him throw it away. it's not illegal. fucking nazi.

04-15-2005, 11:02 AM	#27 (permalink)
smashingjj Immortal Location: the "Employee of the Month" parking spot Posts: 23,068	toothpaste :erm

04-15-2005, 01:06 PM	#30 (permalink)
ravenguy2000 NO FATS Location: NO FEMS Posts: 28,988	Somebody tell me what Sean Casey said.