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07-24-2006, 11:00 PM
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#1 (permalink) |
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Socialphobic
 
Location: kitty in the middle
Posts: 10,196
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sexual failings of the zodiac
By Baron Samadhi von Coppockalypse, PhD
Aries: The Ram* Dont get me wrong. Its not so much that no one wants to have sex with you. Its just that no one ever wants to have sex with you again. People find your confidence attractive until they realize its based on nothing but an edited history of failure. Perhaps being a pushy, defensive mess has enabled you to emotionally bully enough past partners into corroborating your side of the story. You are singularly capable of presenting a sexually confident image without any ability whatsoever to back it up. Good for you! Bad for them! Early ejaculation alert!* Taurus: The Bull Ah yes. A fine meal, some entertainment, the right music and a luxurious bed-spread. I can hear the crickets chirping. Yes, this may be the time of night when the genitals come out. Its too bad that all that staging cant disguise a basic insensitivity to all but the crudest physical sensations. Whether its Bach or Barry Manilow playing, with Taurus it still comes down to the wet game of meat-on-meat. All that faux romance is just setting up their potential partner for Taurus ultimate sexual fantasy: to have a nice, thick, freshly marinated cut of steak (or tofu, for veggies!) slowly wiped up and down their generous form. Oral sex indeed. Gemini: The Twins** Geminis have a reputation for liking sex constantly. This has led some deluded fools to the belief that Geminis are hyper-sexual mavericks. Not so. Geminis make up for quality with quantity. Geminis like sex all the time because each session lasts anywhere from 2-4 minutes. Was it good for you? No. Hell no. This need to constantly do it is a pitiful and ill-fated attempt to replace quality with quantity, which, as we have learned from the morbidly obese, simply does not work. Small wiener alert!** Cancer: The Crab*** Where to begin? Cancers tend to live in their own worlds, and in these worlds, things are a little different than the one that you and I live in. They have issues with attachment. For example: In Cancers world, surprise anal sex is just a way to say I care about you SO MUCH. So if you find that your Cancer partner is interested in spicing up your love life, just remember that to them, ball-gags and beatings mean a picket fence and marriage. ***Deformed dong warning! Leo: The Lion Though it is painful for the Baron to admit, Leos are not technically bad at sex. But as with everything else Leo does, has done, and will do, it is completely ruined by their egotism. Nothing kills the moment like a Leo pausing mid-thrust/lick to tell you about what they just did and how cool it was. In particularly talky cases, the Leo may go onto how it relates to who they are as a person, what they believe, where theyre going in life and... Shut up. Shut it. The Baron recommends ball-gagging a Leo before you have sex with it. Virgo: The Virgin Many Virgos will be swift to tell you that theyre not virgins! Ha-ha ha-ho. True, most are not virgins, but they ARE terrible at sex. Virgos are afflicted with a crippling sexual insecurity that lends itself either to a fearful form of chastity or a hideously overcompensated form of promiscuity. The promiscuous form brings all the pleasure of robotics to the act of sexual intercourse. They mechanically perform their role with inanimate sub-ecstasy. Libra: The Scales of Justice Suave and debonair or the sly coquette, theres nothing that terrible about sleeping with a Libra, other than the fact that you are probably the 3rd out of 5 people they will fuck that night. Yay infidelity! Yay STDs! Scorpio: The Scorpion Thank god for sluts. Good, honest, old fashioned brain-in-the-genitals-not-worth-a-shit-outside-the-bedroom sluts. The men and women of Scorpio may be a decaying morass of imploding failure in every other area of life, but they ARE good to fuck. Try one yourself. Just make sure to slip out in the middle of the night, because you DO NOT want to be there during when they wake up. Trust the Baron. The Baron knows. Sagittarius: The Centaur Sagittarius tends to combine the egotism of Leo with Aries' lack of prowess. Theyre the total package, and theyre out to let you know. Sagittarius has a truly interesting capacity to assume that they are the spitting image of the popular sex symbol of the day. A male Sagittarius looks in the mirror, sees Brad Pitt, and walks through the rest of his day thinking I AM Tyler Durden. The fact that hes mediocre looking and cant fight or fuck makes no difference whatsoever. The same goes for the ladies of Sagittarius. No girls, youre not Brittany Spears, youre some bitch buying pictures of her at the grocery store. Capricorn: The Sea-Goat Capricorn, like Janus, Januarys dual-faced monthly guardian, has two opposing sides: horniness and self-control. You would think that would work. You would think that Capricorn would be able to parlay these gifts into a controlled yet passionate explosion. You would think. But in truth Capricorn generally needs you to help overcome their self-control. The only thing that lets you get past Capricorns iron fisted control of their pants-pockets is generally good, old fashioned suffering. A Capricorn must either make you suffer until their twisted libido is roused or be utterly dominated to the point where they need take no responsibility for their urges. Fucked up. Fuck-ed up. Aquarius: The Water-Bearer Aquarius approaches sex with a cool, scientific detachment. Consciously or not, they tend to regard sex as an anthropological experiment. I suppose the actual act is alright if you dont mind being interrupted to discuss the theoretical implications of penis/vagina, penis/penis, or vagina/vagina time. Pisces: The Fishes The only way you are getting into Pisces fishy drawers is if you are willing to play a role in their insane personal drama. If the Pisces believes that either you are a God, Goddess, angel, demon, Bilbo Baggins or Cinderella, you might just have a decent roll in the hay. On the other hand, if you would like to keep you emotional life from complete and utter destruction, Id steer clear.
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j'en perds la raison dans la mer du japon |
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07-24-2006, 11:16 PM
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#4 (permalink) | |
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Bamboozled By Love
Location: the stars
Posts: 10,502
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Quote:
also, this thing is wrong 'cause I don't care for blowjobs.
__________________
I'm tired of searching for myself. |
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07-24-2006, 11:16 PM
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#5 (permalink) | |
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Bamboozled By Love
Location: the stars
Posts: 10,502
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Quote:
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07-24-2006, 11:28 PM
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#10 (permalink) |
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Posts: n/a
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spaced and fattening ass will both do the "i dont care what you think anyway" bit and then respond ad nauseum to you then eventually give up and revert back to "i dont care what you think anyway."
spaced is a much better debater though. he makes good points at least. whiny but good points. fattening ass is just unbearably retarded when it comes to flame wars. |
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07-24-2006, 11:33 PM
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#14 (permalink) | |
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penis expert
 
Location: Machu Picchu
Posts: 15,306
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Quote:
you have two options when someone pisses you off online...or in person too....you can get pissed and angry...which takes a lot of energy...or you could not give a shit...which doesn't require any energy at all. so i do the latter now. the only people whose comments can hurt me are people i actually give a shit about. |
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07-24-2006, 11:34 PM
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#15 (permalink) | |
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Bamboozled By Love
Location: the stars
Posts: 10,502
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Quote:
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07-24-2006, 11:35 PM
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#16 (permalink) | |
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Bamboozled By Love
Location: the stars
Posts: 10,502
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Quote:
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07-24-2006, 11:35 PM
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#17 (permalink) |
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Socialphobic
Location: kitty in the middle
Posts: 10,196
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Aquarius (1/20 - 2/18) You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You lie a great deal. On the other hand, you are inclined to be careless and impractical, causing you to make the same mistakes over and over again. People think you are stupid.
Pisces (2/19 - 3/20) You have a vivid imagination and often think you are being followed by the CIA or FBI. You have minor influence over your associates, and people resent you for flaunting your power. You lack confidence and are generally a coward. Pisces people do terrible things to small animals. Aries (3/21 - 4/19) You are the pioneer type and hold most people in contempt. You are quick tempered, impatient, and scornful of advice. You are not very nice. Taurus (4/20 - 5/20) You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged determination and work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bullheaded. You are a Communist. Gemini (5/21 - 6/20) You are a quick and intelligent thinker. Most people like you, as you are bisexual. However, you are inclined to expect too much for too little. In other words, you are cheap. Geminis are known for committing incest. Cancer (6/21 - 7/22) You are sympathetic and understanding to other people's problems. They think you are a sucker. You are always putting things off; that's why you'll never make anything of yourself. Most welfare recipients are Cancer people. Leo (7/23 - 8/22) You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are just pushy. Most Leos are bullies. You are vain and dislike honest criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are thieves. Virgo (8/23 - 9/22) You are the logical type and hate disorder. This nit-picking is sickening to your friends. You are cold and unemotional and sometimes fall asleep while making love. Virgos make good bus drivers. Libra (9/23 - 10/22) You are the artistic type and have a difficult time with reality. If you are a man, you are more than likely gay. Chances for employment and monetary gain are excellent. Most Libra women are good prostitutes. All Libras die of venereal disease. Scorpio (10/23 - 11/21) You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You will achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. Most Scorpios are murdered. Sagittarius (11/22 - 12/21) You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to rely on luck, since you lack talent. The majority of Sagittarians are drunks or dopers. People laugh at you a great deal. Capricorn (12/22 - 1/19) You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You don't do much of anything; you are lazy. There has never been a Capricorn of any importance. Capricorns should avoid standing still for too long, as they take root and become trees. |
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07-24-2006, 11:36 PM
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#19 (permalink) | |
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penis expert
Location: Machu Picchu
Posts: 15,306
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Quote:
 hey i've been meaning to ask you...if you like fassbinder...what's your favorite fassbinder film? |
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07-24-2006, 11:37 PM
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#20 (permalink) | |
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Bamboozled By Love
Location: the stars
Posts: 10,502
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Quote:
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07-24-2006, 11:39 PM
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#22 (permalink) | |
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penis expert
Location: Machu Picchu
Posts: 15,306
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Quote:
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07-24-2006, 11:46 PM
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#24 (permalink) | |
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penis expert
Location: Machu Picchu
Posts: 15,306
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Quote:
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07-24-2006, 11:52 PM
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#26 (permalink) | |
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Sleep well tonight
 
Posts: 15,262
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Quote:
I am not gay- thinking of having a gay sex makes me wanna puke. Where's the money? My mother is a Libra, too - so fuck off with prostitutes. and the last one - oh well we have to see yet.... |
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07-25-2006, 12:01 AM
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#27 (permalink) |
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Socialphobic
Location: kitty in the middle
Posts: 10,196
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The Star Sign Aries character: Aries are at their worst during adolescence and are the 'young offender' of the zodiac. They are a fire sign and their love of this element may tempt them to burn down famous buildings or start wars. Once they've matured it's important to allow them to run the show. If they are thwarted in any way they'll do much more than stamp their feet. They may try to fight or humiliate those who interfere with their megalomaniac plans. They make terrible social workers but excellent soldiers, politicians and tax inspectors..
The Star Sign Aries Lover: Aries love anything connected with domination and pain. Sadism and satanic ritual are their way of saying 'I love you'. The year ahead: Once Saturn leaves your sign on June 9th you will be able to force friends to agree with your decision. A career change is likely. December sees your ruler Mars in your opposite sign meaning that Christmas Eve would be a good time to end a relationship. The Star Sign Taurus character: They see everything in terms of money or value and cling like leeches to anyone rich or famous. Once they have wealth or status they'll bully their inferiors and wield control with a rod of iron. They hate change and are suspicious of everyone. Fortunately for the rest of us Taureans are generally stupid so they don't usually get very far in life. This may account for their famed resentment of everyone. They are usually very, very fat. They make hopeless diplomats but excellent socialites, bankers or thieves. The Star Sign Taurus Lover: Taurus make excellent ex-husbands because of their determination never to let the past become the past. In an argument they will remember every detail of your past sins but never their own. They like you to feel inferior. The year ahead: Try to overcome you pig headed stubbornness and accept the changes that this year brings. People put upon on you in June so get a Cancerian to share the workload.. The Gemini character: Gemini will always get what they want because they are masters of deceit and flattery. They love being unfaithful and are always deliberately late for a date but expects you to be punctual. They turn being selfish into an art form and will make you spend all your money so they can save their own. Sometimes they can be good listeners but only because they want to hear every juicy bit of gossip that may prove useful to their schemes. Should not join the police force but make excellent actresses, salespeople, and pizza delivery boys. The Gemini Lover: Gemini are so obsessed by their own good looks that they'll appear to not even notice you. And make sure you take your purse when you go out on that special date for it's certain that you'll be the one to foot the bill. The year ahead: To get on in your career you must delegate responsibility. Give the dull jobs to a Taurus and seduce a vulnerable Cancerian. Put yourself first this year. The Cancer character: Cancerians are like and emotional pressure cooker without a valve. They get so stressed-out that their normally shy behaviour can turn on others like a sudden earthquake. They worry to the point of paranoia and feel that everyone either uses them or ignores them. Most have an Oedipus complex. They also love to moan about everyone and enjoy gloating when someone's done better in life than you have. They employ cunning tricks to get what they want. Cancerians make useless psychologists but are excellent patients. They are better off not having a career. The Cancer Lover: If you enjoy being stressed then a Cancerian would make your perfect partner. They are so devote and loyal that it's sickening. The year ahead: You must try to overcome the feeling that everyone uses you. A Christmas Eve announcement by an Aries brings a big festive surprise. The Leo character: Leos have an irritating smug aloofness and deal with everyone in a high handed manner. To them everyone is inferior. They are the Prima Donnas of the zodiac, hog the limelight and expect praise and admiration from every quarter. They are masters at speaking in condescending tones and catty remarks. However these self-centred individuals can be easily deceived by flattery because they believe everything good said about them. They like to hurt small dogs. Their best career is as a royal personage but most end up managing people who they treat like serfs. The Leo Lover: A Leo will love you if you're sycophantic and servile. If you want to keep their attention you must praise them continually. They enjoy punishing you. The year ahead: If you're a Leo boss watch out for someone born in late March or early April who will try to force you to make a decision on June 9th. I suggest that you sack them. The Virgo character: They have a wonderful sarcastic sense of humour that can cut to the bone. They love to point out mistakes and failings and thrill at the sense of superiority this gives them. They are hypercritical, wry and fussy. Many Virgoans are very lonely people. However their cold, cynical nature and lack of warmth is more than compensated for by their ability to organise. Most people find this pedantic attention to detail a little strange even disturbing. It is! Virgoans are uninspired artists but make great censors, clerks, cleaners and train spotters. The Virgo Lover: It's best not to fall in love with a Virgo unless you are also a Virgo. Together you'd make a great team and do all those boring things that no one else would dream of doing. Train spotting, stamp collecting and sex are the right order of things. The year ahead: Jupiter in the relationship area of your chart makes this year a year of romance and good luck. However, some Virgos will discover that their mother got their birth date wrong. You may not be a Virgo after all and will miss out on all the good luck. |
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07-25-2006, 12:04 AM
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#28 (permalink) |
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Socialphobic
Location: kitty in the middle
Posts: 10,196
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The Libra character: Libra has the symbol of the scales because this is the sign of the unbalanced individual. Things can never be perfect for as soon as the scales are even something comes along to upset the balance once again. To compensate for this insecurity Libran's are obsessed with the desire to be loved, admired and wanted. They are empty vessels in need of continual emotional replenishment. Their superficial easy going manner betrays a lack of strength and a deep set vanity. They also love to spend money. They are generally unemployable. The Libra Lover: Librans are so fickle about the right perfume or after shave to wear, the right night clothes to put on and spend so long arranging the cushions just so that you'll be fast asleep before you can ever make love.to them. They are so vain that they believe that they have no faults. The year ahead: With erratic Uranus influencing you throughout the year you're likely to be even more indecisive than usual. Do not trust yourself or you will be let down. The Scorpio character: The Scorpio will stop at nothing to fulfil their desires. They are power-hungry, domineering and ruthless. But apart from these good qualities the Scorpio can also be very jealous. If you are proud of an accomplishment they will take great pleasure in demoralising you and will undermine your success. Obsession with sex is of course their greatest interest. It's easy to fall in love with them but, like a praying mantis, they will destroy you when it's all over. Scorpios are hopeless as care assistants but they are excellent prostitutes, inquisitors and interrogators. The Scorpio Lover: The Scorpio lover is greedy and intense and takes no interest in his partner's satisfaction. They are completely amoral and display no tenderness or affection. They will sleep with anybody. The year ahead: Jupiter in your sign indicates that you can take advantage of someone else's good luck. Grab what you can while you can. he Sagittarius character: The Sagittarian want to be liked by everyone and will promise you the moon in order to get their own way. But they usually change their minds later and don't keep their many promises. 'Always put off till tomorrow what could be done today' is their motto. Sagittarians are always late. They take tremendous financial risks and are hated by bank managers. They are allergic to housework, they are also tactless and impulsive and can be a complete embarrassment at parties. Sagittarius are dreadful investment managers but make good bankrupts and trapeze artists. The Sagittarius Lover: Sagittarians love the pursuit of love more than the act. The are incorrigible flirts and impulsively fall in love. They have an exaggerated self image foolishly believing that everyone finds them attractive. The year ahead: With Pluto travelling through your sign it will no longer feel that it's a dog's life. Enjoy yourself, have a drink, and party. The Capricorn character: They are proud of the fact that they are the most opinionated and self-centred sign of the zodiac. And it's true because they are always right. Cruel Capricorn puts ambition ahead of personal relationships which can be jettisoned as needed. Bluntness is their middle name. They may sound interesting people but in reality they are old-fashioned and tiresome. They will live to a ripe old age just to spite everyone. Capricorns are hopeless comedians but make excellent undertakers, journalists and butchers. The Capricorn Lover: Their voracious sexual appetite is almost as intense as their greed for power. They are stingey with their affections but generous with their critisism of you. The year ahead: Travel is high on the agenda this year but not only for pleasure. Just when you thought you could put your feet up along comes someone else with errands to run. The Star Sign Aquarius character: If you thought that Aquarians are kind, eccentric, humanitarians then you're wrong. Beneath their 'good humour' lurks an secret ambition to be famous and they'll betray anyone to get to the top. They love to hog the limelight. They are 'independent individuals', which is their excuse to be completely unattached emotionally. Their's is the only dry eye in the house when you go together to watch a sad or romantic movie. They are useless at most jobs unless it is part time or has celebrity status. The Star Sign Aquarian Lover: Expect problems. One minute they'll love you then the next they'll hate you. They hate domineering lovers who restrict their freedom almost as much as they despise the emotional weakling who is emotionally dependent on them. The Star Sign year ahead: You may have trouble with Uranus. You'll be itching to try new things as this planet of the unpredictable releases its energies this year. The Pisces character: Irrational Pisces are as slippery as the fish that symbolises their sign. They use double-speak and never give a straight answer even if they could. They are sly and non-commital. This bewildering vagueness can trick people to comply with their wishes just as fish get tricked into the fisherman's nets. Never trust them, they will fain innocence in order to get help from others. They are habitually lazy and manipulative. A Piscean will work you to the bone. They are best suited to careers where the work can be delegated ideally as 'the inspector of finished works'. The Pisces Lover: Most people find their constant need for emotional reassurance irritating. Pisceans hunger for love hoping that it may offer and escape from their futile lives. They will cling to you like a fish on a hook. The year ahead: With two eclipses falling in your sign this is an important year for you. Make sure that you put extra effort into getting people to work harder for you. Get a Capricorn to run your errands. |
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