sppunk
06-30-2004, 02:07 PM
Though some take it for granted, U.S. citizenship comes with certain responsibilities. Here are some tips for being an active, involved citizen:
- Good-Citizenship TipsPay close attention to politicians' speeches so you can stay abreast of where their speechwriters stand on key issues.
- Young people should heed their civic duty and rock the vote. Older Americans are advised to smooth-jazz the vote.
- Engage others in tense, unproductive political arguments that break down into embarrassing exchanges of personal attacks.
- Make an effort to pay at least 50 percent of any taxes you owe.
- It is considered customary to bribe town/county officials with $500, state officials with $1,000 to $10,000, and federal officials with $50,000 or more.
- Visiting your state capitol is a fun and exciting way to get out of school for the day.
- Canvassing door-to-door is an incredibly effective, not-at-all-tedious means of bringing about change that will not make you want to chew your leg off.
- Start up a "Put The Dump Where The Poor People Are" movement in your community.
- Waste enormous amounts of your and others' time by speaking out at city-council meetings that drag on for hours.
- Though you may not agree with a particular candidate's views, you can express your opposition by setting his or her house on fire.
- If you live in Vermont, stop writing in Ben & Jerry on election ballots. It's been done a million times, and it's not funny.
- Whatever your petition is for, just say it's for retarded kids. Everybody loves retarded kids.
- Learn about your community's zoning laws by opening a sex shop on your front lawn.
- Make an effort to "follow" politics, much the way you would follow, say, sports or the career of J-Lo.
http://www.theonion.com/news/index.php?issue=4026&n=10
- Good-Citizenship TipsPay close attention to politicians' speeches so you can stay abreast of where their speechwriters stand on key issues.
- Young people should heed their civic duty and rock the vote. Older Americans are advised to smooth-jazz the vote.
- Engage others in tense, unproductive political arguments that break down into embarrassing exchanges of personal attacks.
- Make an effort to pay at least 50 percent of any taxes you owe.
- It is considered customary to bribe town/county officials with $500, state officials with $1,000 to $10,000, and federal officials with $50,000 or more.
- Visiting your state capitol is a fun and exciting way to get out of school for the day.
- Canvassing door-to-door is an incredibly effective, not-at-all-tedious means of bringing about change that will not make you want to chew your leg off.
- Start up a "Put The Dump Where The Poor People Are" movement in your community.
- Waste enormous amounts of your and others' time by speaking out at city-council meetings that drag on for hours.
- Though you may not agree with a particular candidate's views, you can express your opposition by setting his or her house on fire.
- If you live in Vermont, stop writing in Ben & Jerry on election ballots. It's been done a million times, and it's not funny.
- Whatever your petition is for, just say it's for retarded kids. Everybody loves retarded kids.
- Learn about your community's zoning laws by opening a sex shop on your front lawn.
- Make an effort to "follow" politics, much the way you would follow, say, sports or the career of J-Lo.
http://www.theonion.com/news/index.php?issue=4026&n=10