Ugly
10-02-2002, 06:36 AM
(dedicated to Undone)
Scene: Dante and Randal are stuck in traffic
Randal: Its times like this it occurs to me that we were lied to by "The Jetsons".
Dante:What are you talking about?
Randal: According to that show we were supposed to be tooling around in flying cars by now, you see any flying cars around lately? That’s the problem with TV. It always lies to us.
Dante: Yeah, well, most of us rational thinkers weren’t banking on a cartoon to offer us a viable glimpse into the future of technological development.
Randal: You don’t think anyone, anywhere, is workin’ on the flying car?
Dante: (sighs) I could care less.
Randal: I gotta believe there’s somebody else out there thinking of the flying car besides me. Someone’s who’s not afraid to throw their hats over the wall for the good of mankind.
Dante: What’s that supposed to mean?
Randal: Throw their hats over the wall? It means committing to DOING something. If more people threw their hats over the wall, we wouldn’t be sitting in this mess right now, we’d be ZOOMING above it in the flying car!
Dante: (world weary) I see you’ve given this a lot of thought . . .
Randal: (accusingly) Kennedy, alright? JFK himself! When he was in office he stood before the world and promised them a man on the moon within ten years. The thing is NOBODY had started working on the SPACE PROGRAM at that time! JFK had no data to back up his claims, no inside information into the practically of space travel! But you know what he had?
Dante: Marilyn Monroe?
Randal: (steamrolling over Dante’s point) The man had sack. The man had the sack to stand before the world and say: “Yo, yo, get this! We’re going to the moon!” Imagine if you or I were the kind of guys who had the sack to stand before the world and say: “Get this! We’ll all be in the flying car by the end of the year!”
Dante: Do you know you have a 1 track mind?
Randal: Hey, what would you be willing to trade for the flying car?
Dante: What do you mean?
Randal: Say some German scientist comes up to you and says (empathic) “I have invented the flying car. I’ll give it to you on one condition.”
Dante: Well, then what’s the condition?
Randal: He’s not gonna tell ya.
Dante: Then its no deal.
Randal: The guy is offering you the flying car!
Dante: Yeah, but there’s obviously a catch!
Randal: Who cares what the catch is, it’s the flying car! You’ll have the only one in the world.
Dante: And why is this, German scientist?
Randal: Ja Vol.
Dante Why is he offering this to me, for free, instead of one of the car companies instead?
Randal: What is this, “Murder, She Wrote”? Who cares what’s behind the mystery. You gonna look a gift horse in the mouth? Just take the car, man!
Dante: Not until I know what the catch is!
Randal: (frustrated) Fine. (grudgingly) The catch is you gotta cut off a foot.
Dante: No way!
Randal: Are you saying you wouldn’t cut off your foot for the flying car? You’re THAT selfish!
Dante: Its my foot, how am I supposed to walk?
Randal: What walk? You’ll have the flying car! My god, you could sell the engineering secrets to the car companies and be a multi-billionaire. Afterwards you can buy, like, 50 prosthetic feet!
Dante: Well, which foot. Right or left?
Randal: Your choice.
Dante: (thinking) Ok . . . I’ll trade my left foot for the flying car.
Randal: Why your left foot?
Dante: Eh, its got an ingrown toenail.
Randal: Listen to you. The guy is offering you the Fire From Olympus that is the flying car and you give him a bum foot!
Dante: You said I could pick!
Randal: So it’s a deal then. Your foot for the flying car. You’re sure?
Dante: Yes, I’m sure.
Randal: You can’t welsh!
Dante: I won’t welsh!
Randal: Because the whole world is counting on you.
Dante: Why the whole world all of a sudden?
Randal: Because the German Scientist held a press conference when he made you the offer! He told the world media that once the trade is made you can do whatever you want with the flying car, including, mass market and produce an affordable model for consumer purchase.
Dante: What the hell kinda scientist is this guy anyway?
Randal: One with a lot of free time on his hands . . . and a foot fetish. So! Are you in, you gonna do the right thing, here?
Dante: Yes.
Randal: So it’s a deal?
Dante: Yes!
Randal: Ok. So, then what happens is you find out the guy’s gonna take off your foot with a hacksaw.
Dante: WHAT?!
Randal: And no anesthetic.
Dante: Screw that!
Randal: C’mon! Its part of the deal!
Dante: You didn’t say that before!
Randal: Well, you shoulda paid a lawyer to look over the contract first, but c’mon, it only hurts when they’re taking the foot off afterwards they use a local on your stump and cauterize the wound!
Dante: Well why can’t I have the local BEFORE he cuts it off?
Randal: BECAUSE, he is a sick degenerate who likes to inflict pain.
Dante: You said he was a man of science!
Randal: What you think Einstein didn’t like hacking guys feet off but nobody never said anything about it because he was one of the greatest thinkers of our time but C’MON man, take the hit for the team! It’s a few seconds of pain for a LIFETIME of riches and ZERO traffic!
Dante: FINE! As long as I get the local as soon as he’s done cutting!
Randal: So you want the local?
Dante: Who am I, the Marquis De Sade? Yes, I want the local!
Randal: (awkwardly) Alright . . .
Dante: Why’d you say it like that for?
Randal: Ehhhh, its just the local he give you knocks you out and when you’re out he . . . diddles your cock.
Dante: Oh, come on!
Randal: (laughing) Hey man, you made the deal!
Dante: To trade my foot for the flying car, not to be tortured and molested by some mad German Scientist!
Randal: (shrugging) And his friends.
Dante: What?
Randal: Just when he’s done with you, he gives his friends a shot at you too.
Dante: Deal’s off!
Randal: What are you, some kinda homophobe?
Dante: No, I just don’t wanna be diddle by some insane German Scientist and his friends after they’ve hacked my foot off!
Randal: Need I remind you this is for the flying car!
Dante: It ain’t worth it!
Randal: (frustrated and building up steam) See? YOU’RE what’s wrong with this country, hell, with this world! You’re always thinking about your own comfort level, never thinking about the rest of us! This country was BUILT on sacrifice and nearly 30 years of living a life of selfish foot pampering and inter-gender intercourse has made you too soft to throw your hat over the wall for the good of mankind! And what’s worse is, not only do you ruin it for the rest of us but you completely blow the notion of American nobility in the process. The children of the world have no heroic figure to look up too so emulate so the future of mankind continues on its DOWNWARD spiral into entropy and mass extinction until ALL that was once great about the human race lies buried in the primordial stew, to which we’ll most CERTIANLY return thanks to you and your refusal to reach for the stars. And you’ll forever be remembered as the sad footnote in the book of life, the wimpy little scumbag who could have breached the chasm between becoming and being but instead opted to cover his own ass, AND foot in the process.
Dante: (snapping) ALRIGHT! I’ll go through with the deal! I’ll let the German Scientist hack my foot off then him and his friends can have their way with me ALL for the flying car!!!
An awkward pause settles in for a moment.
Randal: (disgusted) You’d do it with a bunch of guys just to get a car? I thought I knew you, man . . .
(note: I'd do it. Its the flying car!)
------------------
I'm not gay.
I'm not gay.
But I dance around in a gay, gay way.
Scene: Dante and Randal are stuck in traffic
Randal: Its times like this it occurs to me that we were lied to by "The Jetsons".
Dante:What are you talking about?
Randal: According to that show we were supposed to be tooling around in flying cars by now, you see any flying cars around lately? That’s the problem with TV. It always lies to us.
Dante: Yeah, well, most of us rational thinkers weren’t banking on a cartoon to offer us a viable glimpse into the future of technological development.
Randal: You don’t think anyone, anywhere, is workin’ on the flying car?
Dante: (sighs) I could care less.
Randal: I gotta believe there’s somebody else out there thinking of the flying car besides me. Someone’s who’s not afraid to throw their hats over the wall for the good of mankind.
Dante: What’s that supposed to mean?
Randal: Throw their hats over the wall? It means committing to DOING something. If more people threw their hats over the wall, we wouldn’t be sitting in this mess right now, we’d be ZOOMING above it in the flying car!
Dante: (world weary) I see you’ve given this a lot of thought . . .
Randal: (accusingly) Kennedy, alright? JFK himself! When he was in office he stood before the world and promised them a man on the moon within ten years. The thing is NOBODY had started working on the SPACE PROGRAM at that time! JFK had no data to back up his claims, no inside information into the practically of space travel! But you know what he had?
Dante: Marilyn Monroe?
Randal: (steamrolling over Dante’s point) The man had sack. The man had the sack to stand before the world and say: “Yo, yo, get this! We’re going to the moon!” Imagine if you or I were the kind of guys who had the sack to stand before the world and say: “Get this! We’ll all be in the flying car by the end of the year!”
Dante: Do you know you have a 1 track mind?
Randal: Hey, what would you be willing to trade for the flying car?
Dante: What do you mean?
Randal: Say some German scientist comes up to you and says (empathic) “I have invented the flying car. I’ll give it to you on one condition.”
Dante: Well, then what’s the condition?
Randal: He’s not gonna tell ya.
Dante: Then its no deal.
Randal: The guy is offering you the flying car!
Dante: Yeah, but there’s obviously a catch!
Randal: Who cares what the catch is, it’s the flying car! You’ll have the only one in the world.
Dante: And why is this, German scientist?
Randal: Ja Vol.
Dante Why is he offering this to me, for free, instead of one of the car companies instead?
Randal: What is this, “Murder, She Wrote”? Who cares what’s behind the mystery. You gonna look a gift horse in the mouth? Just take the car, man!
Dante: Not until I know what the catch is!
Randal: (frustrated) Fine. (grudgingly) The catch is you gotta cut off a foot.
Dante: No way!
Randal: Are you saying you wouldn’t cut off your foot for the flying car? You’re THAT selfish!
Dante: Its my foot, how am I supposed to walk?
Randal: What walk? You’ll have the flying car! My god, you could sell the engineering secrets to the car companies and be a multi-billionaire. Afterwards you can buy, like, 50 prosthetic feet!
Dante: Well, which foot. Right or left?
Randal: Your choice.
Dante: (thinking) Ok . . . I’ll trade my left foot for the flying car.
Randal: Why your left foot?
Dante: Eh, its got an ingrown toenail.
Randal: Listen to you. The guy is offering you the Fire From Olympus that is the flying car and you give him a bum foot!
Dante: You said I could pick!
Randal: So it’s a deal then. Your foot for the flying car. You’re sure?
Dante: Yes, I’m sure.
Randal: You can’t welsh!
Dante: I won’t welsh!
Randal: Because the whole world is counting on you.
Dante: Why the whole world all of a sudden?
Randal: Because the German Scientist held a press conference when he made you the offer! He told the world media that once the trade is made you can do whatever you want with the flying car, including, mass market and produce an affordable model for consumer purchase.
Dante: What the hell kinda scientist is this guy anyway?
Randal: One with a lot of free time on his hands . . . and a foot fetish. So! Are you in, you gonna do the right thing, here?
Dante: Yes.
Randal: So it’s a deal?
Dante: Yes!
Randal: Ok. So, then what happens is you find out the guy’s gonna take off your foot with a hacksaw.
Dante: WHAT?!
Randal: And no anesthetic.
Dante: Screw that!
Randal: C’mon! Its part of the deal!
Dante: You didn’t say that before!
Randal: Well, you shoulda paid a lawyer to look over the contract first, but c’mon, it only hurts when they’re taking the foot off afterwards they use a local on your stump and cauterize the wound!
Dante: Well why can’t I have the local BEFORE he cuts it off?
Randal: BECAUSE, he is a sick degenerate who likes to inflict pain.
Dante: You said he was a man of science!
Randal: What you think Einstein didn’t like hacking guys feet off but nobody never said anything about it because he was one of the greatest thinkers of our time but C’MON man, take the hit for the team! It’s a few seconds of pain for a LIFETIME of riches and ZERO traffic!
Dante: FINE! As long as I get the local as soon as he’s done cutting!
Randal: So you want the local?
Dante: Who am I, the Marquis De Sade? Yes, I want the local!
Randal: (awkwardly) Alright . . .
Dante: Why’d you say it like that for?
Randal: Ehhhh, its just the local he give you knocks you out and when you’re out he . . . diddles your cock.
Dante: Oh, come on!
Randal: (laughing) Hey man, you made the deal!
Dante: To trade my foot for the flying car, not to be tortured and molested by some mad German Scientist!
Randal: (shrugging) And his friends.
Dante: What?
Randal: Just when he’s done with you, he gives his friends a shot at you too.
Dante: Deal’s off!
Randal: What are you, some kinda homophobe?
Dante: No, I just don’t wanna be diddle by some insane German Scientist and his friends after they’ve hacked my foot off!
Randal: Need I remind you this is for the flying car!
Dante: It ain’t worth it!
Randal: (frustrated and building up steam) See? YOU’RE what’s wrong with this country, hell, with this world! You’re always thinking about your own comfort level, never thinking about the rest of us! This country was BUILT on sacrifice and nearly 30 years of living a life of selfish foot pampering and inter-gender intercourse has made you too soft to throw your hat over the wall for the good of mankind! And what’s worse is, not only do you ruin it for the rest of us but you completely blow the notion of American nobility in the process. The children of the world have no heroic figure to look up too so emulate so the future of mankind continues on its DOWNWARD spiral into entropy and mass extinction until ALL that was once great about the human race lies buried in the primordial stew, to which we’ll most CERTIANLY return thanks to you and your refusal to reach for the stars. And you’ll forever be remembered as the sad footnote in the book of life, the wimpy little scumbag who could have breached the chasm between becoming and being but instead opted to cover his own ass, AND foot in the process.
Dante: (snapping) ALRIGHT! I’ll go through with the deal! I’ll let the German Scientist hack my foot off then him and his friends can have their way with me ALL for the flying car!!!
An awkward pause settles in for a moment.
Randal: (disgusted) You’d do it with a bunch of guys just to get a car? I thought I knew you, man . . .
(note: I'd do it. Its the flying car!)
------------------
I'm not gay.
I'm not gay.
But I dance around in a gay, gay way.