When I came back home from the surgery I was all alone, one of my friends who said he would help me decided that he would flake on me as soon as I was home. I was supposed to have stayed with my aunt who had the surgery and is a RN. She had to be hospitalized because she ate some bad ham while working at a disaster with Red Cross. I will never forget how I felt coming home from the hospital, it was the most dreaded feeling I have ever felt in my life! I had this infinite unyielding loneliness in my heart.

I have always had depression from being overweight and being abused as a child, I still carry a whole lot of baggage! But, I falsely believed that this procedure was the cure all for all my issues and depression! The euphoric I felt from being approved for the surgery and my false feeling that this was what I needed to do to be happy, only clouded my ability to not loose touch with reality. You are not told when you go to these places to research about the wls, that you may encounter depression post op. If depression is mentioned by these business its done in away that makes it seem trivial or unimportant. I find this to be deceptive and overall very detrimental to the people have the wls done. People who are depressed sometimes just grasp for tiniest thing in the world to make it alittle better, and that shows the desperation they have to want to have some basic joy and happiness.

That is what I did, and what I truly did was only created false hope and what I thought to be a quick fix to lifelong problem, but in the end to only make the issue more severe. The reality is once you lay on that table and they open you up, and do all they do to make help you loose weight, you still wake up with the same mind and same feelings. You don't get a new brain or new perceptions of things from the DR's, you just have a new piece of hardware in your stomach.

So I did myself the biggest disservice I could ever have done, with my false hopes and belief, I lost touch with reality. So what I had allowed to happen made me more depressed than I was or ever have been. So for the last six months I have lived a tortured existence, I have turned to drugs to make it all better, I have been seeing a Psychologist weekly, I still feel worthless, I think about killing myself everyday, I have to find a reason to live. I have lost allot of my hair, and I just feel in my heart a part of me died on that table, because only after the procedure did I finally realize I had done this procedure for everyone else, and not for me.

I thought I had to do this to make people love me and for them to like me or not shun me anymore. The truth is no ones loves me more now, they all love me the same, because it was, or is not what I look like that drives the love, it is who I am, and that is me! I thought that once I got skinny that the gossip would stop, and nothing could be said, but that was an illusion. Now instead of being fat, or overweight I am sick or have cancer or Aids. I don't tell people that I had the procedure because I am ashamed. I just let them believe what they want and I don't try and fight the gossip.

Since the surgery I have had several people tell me that I am not the same person, and that when I was heavier I was happier, and that I don't "dance happy anymore". I am avid clubber, before my surgery I would get out on that dance floor wherever I went, and I danced like I knew how, and I did not care about anyone or what they thought, I moved all my 308 pounds, like no one was watching. This was one of things I was so looking forward to; was going out to my favorite club and dancing like I used to and even better, and saying to myself "Look at me now". I have been several times since and each time I try and dance, but I just don't ever get the groove, I feel and see people staring at me, and I try and understand their thoughts and reasoning for gawking at me.

With the hair loss this has just given me one more thing to be unhappy about, and I dwell on this so much that I cry and I feel like I'm just never going to be good enough. I am 25 yrs old and I have not done really nothing with my life, I have felt like a failure my whole life, and now more so than ever. I sometimes think of all this as a terminal illness and that I am not going to get better and one day when the loneliness is finally able to penetrate my core inner being, that in this weakness I will commit suicide and all this pain I feel will finally be stopped and will no longer be able to sting my heart and pollute my mind.

Someone told me once "You will never be as cute as us skinny boys, you will always be that fat ugly person", at the time I believed him and I wanted to show him he was wrong, but now I wish I could take it back and go back to that very moment in time he told me that. And, that is where I would start my life over at, and I would not change anything about my life. I want to share this only to try and help and let you know that please only do this procedure for the right reasons, not for the look or because you want to please someone else. Understand this and let this remain in your thoughts until you die, if you are fat, tall, skinny, short, gay, straight, black or white, it has no effect on who you are, these things don't make you a lesser or greater person, and no one is ever better than you. There is no value on human life we are all priceless. All of us, even the fats ones, are just as good as the rest.

The only thing that will be a guaranteed change ultimately from this procedure will be your appearance. You inevitably will lose weight, but your thoughts and who you are, will be the same, your spirit will remain the same. So never lose track of what matters most, and don't make a misguided choice like I did and have to then regret it. This is "not poor me, pour me another one", it is this; I made a choice and I have to live with it, and I am going to try and make it through, and if I think I can make it alone, you can, just never loose site of what is most important, and that is you, and never try and be something you are not.

I have lost allot of weight when I started I was at 308, and today I weigh only 165, total weight loss of 143 pounds, but I am still fat in my heart and mind, but I still am me and I think and act the very same way I did the day I laid on that table. So what I would like to stress to anyone who is considering the procedure: Be aware that you are making a choice that will impact the rest of your life; you are committing to a guaranteed lifestyle change; this procedure is not a cure all for your self esteem, or a cure to the inner depression, and any other mental challenges; If you allow yourself to believe that this is not true you are only lying and hurting you, because when you finally catch on, you are going to fall, and it is going to be a fall that no one can catch you, you will have to experience and accept that you are going to have change from the inside out, and not the outside in. So only for the right reasons, any other reason will only be a crutch to failure. I would love to help anyone who has had some extreme depression or guilt or regrets after the wls, please email me.

My friend Linda is undergoing the operation tomorrow here in San Diego. <a href="http://www.obesityhelp.com/morbidobesity/status.phtml?N=B1050705612">Click here</a> and give her some support.

C (3 Stars)

When you're gambling in a casino, it isn't necessary to specify the denomination of chips when you get change. If the minimum bet at the table is $5, the dealer will give you $5 chips.

One dealer related the following story. A man dropped a $100 bill on the table and said, "Give me twenty-five dollar chips." So the dealer gave him 25 $1 chips and three $25 chips.

"No," the man said. "Give me twenty-five dollar chips." This time the dealer gave him four $25 chips.

"No," the man said. "Give me twenty-five dollar chips." What the man wanted was 20 $5 chips, which is what he would have gotten if he hadn't said anything.

On a blackjack game, a player dropped a $100 bill on the table. "Give me twenty ones," he said.

The dealer, who was in the process of shuffling the cards, smiled and said, "I'll try."

After the shuffle was completed, she gave me the man twenty $5 chips.

"Give me twenty ones," he repeated.

"I'll try," she smiled again. Well, of course, she thought the man wanted her to deal him a 21 on every hand, and he what he wanted was twenty $1 chips.

“Hey! Look what I got!” Barney called out as he came into the kitchen. He stuck out his new sneakers.

“Wow! Those are really neat,” I said as I opened the oven door to check on the brownies. “Are those your back to school shoes?”

“Yes. Mom and I went shopping for back to school clothes today, but all I really wanted were these neat sneakers. Mom said our budget was tight this year and she couldn’t afford to get these expensive shoes plus all the clothes I will need for school,” Barney said as he put his bags on the table.

“Well, somehow you got her to change her mind I see!” I said laughing. “How did you do that?”

“Well, aunty, you will be happy to know that mom let me get these shoes because I used math to convince her.”

Hmm. This is sounding interesting, I thought. “Sit down and tell me about it while I get these brownies out of the oven.”

While the brownies cooled, Barney explained what had happened.

“Well, aunty, I really wanted those shoes and mom really wanted me to have lots of new outfits for school. She had picked out a whole cartful of pants and shirts, but I convinced her that I didn’t need as many clothes as she thought. I only needed 3 pairs of pants and 3 new shirts.”

Barney pulled out a pair of blue jeans, a pair of black pants and a pair of tan pants. Then he reached into another sack and pulled out a red shirt, a white shirt, and a black, white and tan striped shirt.

“Wow! Those are nice choices, Barney.” I said, looking at all his selections. “It still doesn’t look like very many clothes to me. Won’t you get tired of wearing the same three outfits?”

“Aha!” said Barney, reaching for a brownie. “That’s what mom said too, but I used math to convince her that if I mixed them up, I would have lots of different combinations. So she let me buy these shoes!”

“Well, I hope you are right about that, young man.” I said smiling. (I was also remembering that I had gotten him a new black polo shirt for a back to school gift.)

Well, what do you think? Was Barney right? How many different school outfits can Barney make using these 3 pairs of pants and 3 shirts? How many more outfits will be possible when he gets my back to school present? When you think you have the answer, you have another challenge, and that is to figure out some way to convince me you have found all the possible outfits that Barney can make using his new clothes.

Then post your answer by clicking on “I want to send in my solution” at the bottom of this challenge. Remember to ******* both your answer, how you arrived at it, and why you are absolutely sure that your answer is correct! Check back on this solution page in a few days. Just click “I want to send in my solution” again and scroll down until you find your posting. Under your posting, you should find a personal response from me, Aunt Mathilda, and perhaps from some other students as well!

Love,
Aunt Mathilda

Do you buy pants on the internet?

http://goatse.cx

i want gastric bypass surgery

it's not like i have to worry about becoming depressed after it