Aries: You've been holding steady, but things are definately getting weird! When life reaches any extreme you become so used to it that it starts to feel normal. Others are starting to wonder about you. And that's okay because maybe someone will step forward and say "Hey, by the way, what's up?", you're already halfway there. You might as well come completely unglued and find out what's really at the bottom of all this insanity. When you do, it will be a relief and the end result will bring you back to the center again.

Taurus: You're feeling ambiguous about so many things. What you've tried to do as far as improving your situation goes, was a good idea at first, but now you don't know what to do. Step back from everything and that *******s people who don't know how to act their age. In any emotionally based situation, keep in mind that you're the grown up. If you're clear, others will be clear, and whatever you're hoping for will come to pass as long as you remember what you want and don't allow people to play games with you.

Gemini: You believe so firmly that you're right. And its fine if you do, but others are coming from a completely different perspective. You also believe that it is your job to change the way they see things and you can't. There's a big discrepancy fowling things up and a tacit refusal on your part to even recognize it. There are also things you are totally in the dark about. If you knew what they were, you would realize that you are definately NOT on the same page with someone close. If and when you wake up, you're going to be shocked.

Cancer: You have it made in so many areas, you shouldn't be complaining. Because you constantly have to take your "evil twin" into account, what would otherwise be okay, isn't right now. Looking outside of yourself and your relationship for greener pastures is a strong theme. I'm here to remind you that nothing you want can be found outside of yourself. So keep your attention there. There may be opportunities to fool around or make a fresh start but before you jump, keep in mind what you'll have to give up if you do.

Leo: Being at the mercy of things you never thought you'd have to look at is a big deal for you right now. You aren't as sure of yourself as you used to be. Whatever has created cracks in your visions of perfection has thrown you for a loop. Keep in mind that it isn't a bad thing to not know what's going on. When you're in the place of not knowing, anything can happen, and anything will be okay. Consider it a blessing that the walls are coming down. When they finally crash, you'll see that you're way better off.

Virgo: There's a feeling of dissatisfaction coloring things. It's because you have been trying to be something that you are not. Others have set standards that you are trying to live up to. Nothing you do makes them happy. On the other hand, you have other options and there are possibilities to try something new or walk away from this. Being "good" has its merits, but at this point, you're over compensating in order to survive. The truth is you need to be who you are. If that is not okay with someone else, it may be time to leave.

Libra: You've done all you can do to stay on top of things. It's exciting to have this much going on even if sometimes you feel you're not in control. There's a lot of love flowing into your life. Half the reason you're out of control is because you're walking on air! Sudden opportunities to take off on the spur of the moment will pull you out of your everyday life. Don't be too practical to up and leave if you have the chance. Any experience that allows your heart to open further will enhance everything you do.

Scorpio: You have to make decisions that will work for you. Being swept away from your feelings or flattery from other people is a problem. Be discriminate about who you relate to, because right now you're prone to settling for less. You really don't need to babysit anyone. And neither should you have to put up with someone else's past life debris. If they're not working on their problems, there's no way you can make it all better. Pick and choose: say "No thank you, I don't need this" and you'll feel much better.

Sagittarius: If you knew what people were saying behind your back it would bum you out. Your efforts to do the right thing are backfiring. Its your belief that you need to continue to work tirelessly toward something; but the truth is if you let someone else handle it, it will become what you want it to be. Step outside of your life and ask yourself what you're trying to prove and why you're trying to prove it. It's not like you need to be wound this tightly. Something needs to snap and it would be better if it wasn't you.

Capricorn: If you're a little nervous, it would make sense. There are a lot of reasons why you should be; and the more you have to hide, the worse things will be. The need to keep things secret is a huge problem in your life and always has been. At this point, if you don't come to terms with your dark side, it would ruin what would otherwise be a hell of a good time. Grow up a little and stop using all the knowledge you have accumulated to rationalize away problems that need to be delt with differently for your life to improve.

Aquarius: You pride yourself on your accomplishments. If you examine your reasons for choosing the path you are on, you may find that your accomplishments have absolutely nothing to do with what could've happened if you had followed your heart. There's a huge cliff in front of you and you may need to jump off of it. Ultimately, its all up to you. To get clear about what needs to happen right now, ask yourself what brought you here and consider that it may have had less to do with you and more to do with what someone else wanted.

Pisces: You have so many blindspots. And fooling yourself is easy because you think you're right about everything. You have no respect for anyone's opinion but you're own. The problem is that you could desperately use some outside input. Its hard for those close to you to point anything out to you because they've either bought into you illusions or you have them by the balls! I have no idea what it will take for you to have an epiphany, but it would be good if you would at least recognize inwardly that you need one.

Originally posted by KrazeePumpkin

Virgo: There's a feeling of dissatisfaction coloring things. It's because you have been trying to be something that you are not. Others have set standards that you are trying to live up to. Nothing you do makes them happy. On the other hand, you have other options and there are possibilities to try something new or walk away from this. Being "good" has its merits, but at this point, you're over compensating in order to survive. The truth is you need to be who you are. If that is not okay with someone else, it may be time to leave.


That doesn't really apply to my life at the moment... Unless it's trying to put a dampner on the fact that I'm fat and trying to become an actor...:erm

Originally posted by The Pashing Smumpkin
That doesn't really apply to my life at the moment... Unless it's trying to put a dampner on the fact that I'm fat and trying to become an actor...:erm
:rofl:

oh. and my gemini one was completely wrong. horoscopes are bullshit.

I'd love to have an epiphany.

well, shit.

mine was sort of close, but its too vague (aries), weird thing is that I read a horoscope last night that was 100% right, it was very very specific, it creeped me out.

Originally posted by KrazeePumpkin
Leo:When they finally crash, you'll see that you're way better off.



hmmm

Originally posted by KrazeePumpkin
Aquarius: You pride yourself on your accomplishments. If you examine your reasons for choosing the path you are on, you may find that your accomplishments have absolutely nothing to do with what could've happened if you had followed your heart. There's a huge cliff in front of you and you may need to jump off of it. Ultimately, its all up to you. To get clear about what needs to happen right now, ask yourself what brought you here and consider that it may have had less to do with you and more to do with what someone else wanted.fuck. thats dead on.

I read mine and everyone close to me...and damn was it dead on. I understand how some can be vague and similar and all that, but I just typed all those out, so I read every single one of them, and I really don't believe in horoscopes, but it's just nutty how right they were.

I love whore-o-scopes.

Originally posted by KrazeePumpkin
Capricorn: You are gay and deserve to die, in fact death will come to you in one week

No, thats not fair, there was time now.

Originally posted by Orenthal James


No, thats not fair, there was time now.

Hey, its what the stars wish, mah man.

Originally posted by KrazeePumpkin


Leo: Being at the mercy of things you never thought you'd have to look at is a big deal for you right now. You aren't as sure of yourself as you used to be. Whatever has created cracks in your visions of perfection has thrown you for a loop. Keep in mind that it isn't a bad thing to not know what's going on. When you're in the place of not knowing, anything can happen, and anything will be okay. Consider it a blessing that the walls are coming down. When they finally crash, you'll see that you're way better off.

tru tru

Originally posted by Mirror_Untrue
fuck. thats dead on. same here

Originally posted by KrazeePumpkin
Cancer: You have it made in so many areas, you shouldn't be complaining. Because you constantly have to take your "evil twin" into account, what would otherwise be okay, isn't right now. Looking outside of yourself and your relationship for greener pastures is a strong theme. I'm here to remind you that nothing you want can be found outside of yourself. So keep your attention there. There may be opportunities to fool around or make a fresh start but before you jump, keep in mind what you'll have to give up if you do.


:/

Originally posted by yo soy el mejor

oh. and my gemini one was completely wrong. horoscopes are bullshit.

whoa. i'm a gemini too. we share the same name AND horoscope. how crazy is that!

anyone can write horoscopes that come true. horoscopes are the equivalent of saying, "you will either wake up this morning or die in your sleep." they just find marginally creative ways of saying it.

Where did you get these stupid fucking horoscopes? A Juggalo message board? They all fucking suck.

Aries: (March 21—April 19)
You'll slip a notch in the estimation of your peers when they find out that the Statue of Liberty was a gift from the French, not from you.

Taurus: (April. 20—May 20)
Your eyes will soon meet the tender gaze of a handsome stranger, thanks to your decision to check the "organ donor" box on your driver's license.

Gemini: (May 21—June 21)
There is a time and place for everything, except for your loud and incompetent scat singing.

Cancer: (June 22—July 22)
Whether or not the pig learns to sing, you should keep trying to teach it. You have ample time, and no one cares about the pig's annoyance.

Leo: (July 23—Aug. 22)
You're never fully dressed without a smile, but in this era of office casual, a nice pocket square will do.

Virgo: (Aug. 23—Sept. 22)
Some will say you're incapable of loving anything in this world, but they've forgotten about the little baby ducks.
Libra: (Sept. 23—Oct. 23)
You'll be able to cross "See the Mona Lisa" off your list of things to do before you die, but that's about it.

Scorpio: (Oct. 24—Nov. 21)
You knew that girl on the billboard wasn't real, but you still hoped it was at least a picture of an actual 40-foot-tall woman.

Sagittarius: (Nov. 22—Dec. 21)
Being able to understand the language of the birds and the beasts sounded great, before you knew what self-centered little shits they all are.

Capricorn: (Dec. 22—Jan. 19)
You're finding it harder and harder to sleep at night, knowing that Wilford Brimley and his horse are still out there somewhere.

Aquarius: (Jan. 20—Feb. 18)
No one at the public library will be able to answer your question about whether anyone in America has normal old sex anymore.

Pisces: (Feb. 19—March 20)
It turns out that Andy Warhol overestimated the duration of your fame by about 14 and a half minutes.

Originally posted by Affectation
onion horoscopes

this is what i thought about when clicking the thread.

oh...some more...

Aries- "I've been practicing radical authenticity lately," my Aries friend Steve told me. "I'm revealing the blunt truth about unmentionable subjects to everyone I know. It's been pretty hellish- no one lies having the social masks stripped away- but it's been ultimately rewarding." I thought a minute, then said, "I admire your boldness in naming the currents flowing beneath the surface, but I'm curious as to why you imply they're all negative. To practice authenticity, shouldn't you also express the raw truth about what's right, good, and beautiful? Shouldn't you unleash the praise and gratitude that normally go unspoken?" Steve sneered. He thought my version of radical autheticity was wimpy. I hope you don't, Aries. You have an astrological mandate to be honest in both ways.

Taurus- On of my favorite obscure holidays is International Moment of Frustration Scream Day. Observed every October 12, it's meant to release pent-up tension resulting from the gap between what we have and what we think we want. Given the fact that your gap is particularly gaping right now, you Tauruses would especially benefit from throwing yourself into this fierce enjoyment with all your angst unfurled. The holiday's founders, Thomas and Ruth Roy, suggest that everyone should go outside sometime during the day and yell for thirty seconds. I hope the sound of you bellowing Bulls will be heard around the world.

Gemini- It looks like you're poised to put the finishing touches on something that will last a very long time- an expression or creation that will be a defining monument to your essential self. If I'm not right and you're really ready, let me offer a suggestion. This masterpiece should not only reflect what's excellent and successful about you; it should also acknowledge the role that your failures have played in growing your beauty.

Cancer- This is one of those rare moments when laziness can be an asset. Fate is conspiring to rejuvinate you, and all you have to do is make sure you don't get in the way. I suggest, therefore, that you follow the advice of the Zen master who said," Don't just do something, sit there!" I mean it, Cancerian. Empty yourself of ambitions. Burn your to-do list. Tell your monkey mind you're taking a sabbatical from its obsessive leaping and shrieking. Feel absolutely no guilt as you practice the art of making yourself a tabula rasa.

Leo- According to author Colin Wilson, synchonicities are meaningful coincidences that are created by the unconscious mind to jar the conscious mind into a keener state of perception. They imbue us with a powerful sense that there are hidden meanings beneath the surface of everyday life; they lead us to suspect that a huge, benevolent intelligence is always working behind the scenes, weaving connections that are invisible to us in our normal state of awareness. I predict that you will be aware of these synchronicities in the coming week, Leo. You will get concrete proof that everything is far more intertwined than you've ever dared to imagine.

Virgo- If you want to place yourself in alignment with the current cosmic trends, you will seek out more than the usual amount and quality of your favorite physical sensations. My advice is to compose a list of your top five, then write out a proposed plan for getting those needs met and met and met. For instance, if you normally have a massage every once in a while, arrange to have at least two in the coming week, and make sure you enlist the services of the very best masseuse or masseur you know. Us the same approach to sex, food, sleep, aromas, beautiful sights, and any other experience that thrills your body.

Libra- "There is only one thing in the world worse than being talked about," wrote Libran Oscar Wilde, "and that is not being talked about." You won't have to worry about the latter problem in the next two weeks. The number of discussions about your character and behavior will probably exceed that of any other fourteen-day period in the past five years. Fortunately, the astrological indicators suggest that a relatively high percentage of the gossip flying around will be benevolent and even flattering. It will be a good time, therefore, for a marketing camapaign or networking blitz.

Scorpio- You are potentially a genius. Maybe not in the same way that Einstein and Beethoven were, but still: You possess some capacity or set of skills that is exquisitely unique. You are a work of art unlike any other that has ever lived. Furthurmore, the precise instructions you need to ripen into that glorious state have always been with you, even from before you were born. In the words of psychologist James Hillman, you have a soul's code. You might also call it the master plan of your heart's deepest desire; the special mission that the Divine Wow sent you here to carry out; the blueprint that contains the secret of how to be perfectly, gracefully, unpredictably yourself. Now here's the really good news, Scorpio: You're at a turning point when you have extraordinary power to tune in to and active untapped areas of your soul's code.

Sagittarius- Every year the Color Marketing Group (CMG) at www.colormarketing.org issues a report that identifies the new colors coming into fashion, as well as their symbolic meaning. From their long list, I have selected the specific hues you should surround yourself with if you'd like to be in harmony with cosmic forces during the rest of 2003. 1.Lemon Meringue. "Silver flirts with gold in this zesty confection reminiscent of vintage roadsters," says CMG. 2.Shimma. "A shimmer, a shake, a lustrous flake, this pearlized metallic adds a savvy crackle to your communications." 3. Iron Ore-ange: "The influence of copper on orange creates and sophisticated ********** with primal undertones." 4.Exploring Khaki. "This safari green recalls rain forest moss and buried treasure."

Capricorn- Given how fresh and strong you've been feeling lately, you may not be in the mood to initiate a showdown with The Problem That Refused To Die. Why risk getting demoralized by that boring old energy drain when you're so peppy? I'll tell you why: You now have a new and unprecedented advantage over The Problem That Refused To Die. You may not be able to kill it off completely, but then again you might. And you will at least be able to dramatically limit its power to mess with you.

Aquarius- "No work is more worthwhile than to be a sign of divine joy and a fountain of divine love." So says mystic and scholar Andrew Harvey, and I fervently agree. Not everyone is cut out for such an exacting career, of course. The pay isn't great, the hours are long, and the heroes who make it their main gig rarely get the appreciation they deserve. It's best to try it out for a while on the side without quitting your day job. Having provided those caveats, Aquarius, I'm pleased to inform you that this is the best time in years for you to work hard at being a sign of divine joy and a fountain of divine love.

Pisces- Your flavor of the week will be ginger peach or vanilla clove or some other piquant spiciness and smooth sweetness. The kitchen accessory that best symbolizes your special skillls will be a thich sponge that has an abrasive surace on one side for scrubbing dirty pots. The recurring dream you're most likely to dream for the last time, triumphing forever over the past trauma that originally spawned it, is the nightmare in which you feel like a cornered animal. Your haiku of power will be "melodious struggle where the soul turns crap into fertilizer."


i'm sure these are fit to apply to everyone on here, of course.

If horoscopes are all true than how come these are all totally different?

i can only speak for myself, but i've never made claim that they're true. despite how i see truth in character traits based on astrological signs, i don't really put any faith in people predicting daily or weekly events in such detailed manners. it's purely for entertainment purpose, but if it seems to be fairly accurate about something concerning my life, i find it peculiar and nothing more.

woh woh

next to your face, that text made me sad.

Originally posted by twice
i can only speak for myself, but i've never made claim that they're true. despite how i see truth in character traits based on astrological signs, i don't really put any faith in people predicting daily or weekly events in such detailed manners. it's purely for entertainment purpose, but if it seems to be fairly accurate about something concerning my life, i find it peculiar and nothing more.
if you talked like this in real life i would shoot you.

oh. me sorry. i like pizza.

Originally posted by twice
next to your face, that text made me sad.

=( dont be sad be glad! =D


*throws confetti*

Originally posted by silent1

if you talked like this in real life i would shoot you.

Don't say things like that, they make me sad :(

Originally posted by twice
oh...some more...

Cancer- This is one of those rare moments when laziness can be an asset. Fate is conspiring to rejuvinate you, and all you have to do is make sure you don't get in the way. I suggest, therefore, that you follow the advice of the Zen master who said," Don't just do something, sit there!" I mean it, Cancerian. Empty yourself of ambitions. Burn your to-do list. Tell your monkey mind you're taking a sabbatical from its obsessive leaping and shrieking. Feel absolutely no guilt as you practice the art of making yourself a tabula rasa.

i'm sure these are fit to apply to everyone on here, of course.

that's much better ...

Originally posted by twice
oh...some more...

Virgo- If you want to place yourself in alignment with the current cosmic trends, you will seek out more than the usual amount and quality of your favorite physical sensations. My advice is to compose a list of your top five, then write out a proposed plan for getting those needs met and met and met. For instance, if you normally have a massage every once in a while, arrange to have at least two in the coming week, and make sure you enlist the services of the very best masseuse or masseur you know. Us the same approach to sex, food, sleep, aromas, beautiful sights, and any other experience that thrills your body.


Is my horoscope telling me to have lots of sex?

Originally posted by Affectation
Where did you get these stupid fucking horoscopes? A Juggalo message board? They all fucking suck.



Pisces: (Feb. 19—March 20)
It turns out that Andy Warhol overestimated the duration of your fame by about 14 and a half minutes.


this has got to be relevant because billy wears an andy warhol wig in Spun.

...

*leaves*

Originally posted by Nimrod's Son
If horoscopes are all true than how come these are all totally different?

Horoscopes are usually printed in the 'entertainment section' of any newspaper, there used to be a law that required newspapers/magazines etc. to print a disclaimer relating to the 'purely for entertainment' factor of horoscopes and that they should not be taken as anything more than that, some countries still require it, but most don't.

To get an accurate reading you need to incorporate a whole variety of influences (planetary) into your method, eg. not just the solar (Mags/newsp only use solar). So, meh, take it as you will.

:)

Originally posted by andysong



:)

:D

They never get the geminis right. The Onion one made the most sense.

Originally posted by andysong
To get an accurate reading you need to incorporate a whole variety of influences (planetary) into your method, eg. not just the solar (Mags/newsp only use solar). :erm

bullshit

...some more...


aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Your "energetic nature" — frequently dissed by those close to you as "spazziness" — will attract all the right people this week. So don't tone it down, no matter how many dirty looks you get from strangers in public places. Will those strangers be taking you home to screw your brains out tonight? We didn't think so.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
A life of navel gazing is fine for philosophers, but even they get out of their armchairs occasionally for a little Greek lovin'. This week, you'll want to give up the contemplation to pursue less lofty, more corporeal adventures, in the spirit of Ahnold or Action Jackson. Remember, overthinking things is what got Hamlet killed, and Keanu Reeves is only hot when he acts like the idiot he is. Now that's deep.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
From afar, you will be irresistible this week. But up close, you're destined to say the wrong thing — you'll inadvertently insult someone's grandmother, you'll ruin your team's chances of a big win on trivia night, you'll stutter, you'll slur, you'll send spittle flying in every which direction. Better to maintain a little mystery and allure, and save the sweet-talking for next week, when your mojo, like the prodigal son, will return. Then, you may throw it a big party and get laid.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
Take it nice and slow. Don't get discouraged if someone you like isn't responding the way you want. You are best to do your own thing and let this person observe you from a distance. Your good qualities will gradually shine through, like the sun after a light summer rain, or one of Em's potent beans-on-toast farts gently wafting from one end of the room to the other.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
Uh oh, superficiality alert. Given the choice this week, you are likely to favor style over substance. If you're just looking for a piece of arm candy to accompany you to some fancy event sure to be attended by your fuckface ex, then go right ahead. Otherwise, we strongly suggest you rethink your strategy. Because when the cameras stop rolling and fuckface ex is no longer watching, you're the one who has to make conversation with that dunderhead hottie who thinks euthanasia is a program for troubled kids in China.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
The stars say your practical nature will lead you to prefer partners who can support you financially. Funny, we'd call that your shallow, leech-like nature. However, we and the stars do agree that showing your true nature to potential partners will be about as romantically effective as showing them your ringworm infection on the first date.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
No pressure, dude, but if you're wishy-washy and indecisive for much longer, you're going to be stuck with a brand new decision: Die alone, or die surrounded by your seven devoted cats. So strap one on and pick someone already.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
You don't need any advice this week, you've got romance in the bag. So how about a cooking tip instead? Next time you make mashed potatoes, throw in a little nutmeg along with the butter and milk. (Just not too much nutmeg — turns out it's a natural laxative, as Em learned the hard way last time she cooked dinner for friends.)

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
Cut to the chase; gone in sixty seconds. And no, we're not talking about that atrocious Nic Cage/Angelina Jolie movie, we're talking about your love life. Once you've wrapped someone around your little pinkie, you don't even stick around long enough to find out all the fun places you could stick that dirty little pinkie. All we can say is: You don't know what you're missing. (And wash your hands after shaking hands with strangers.)

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
It won't take much for you to attract a perfect partner. That's assuming your perfect partner is an annoying fuckwit who hasn't been laid in two years and isn't getting any younger. If you're aiming a little higher than that, you might have work a bit harder. You know, lay on some charm, slip 'em a mickey, etc.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
Oh, Aquarius, you're a fool for love. It's kind of cute when Meg Ryan does it, but on you, it just looks pathetic. Walk away from love before it walks all over you, leaving nothing but a set of muddy footprints. (Yes, it's true, we're a little bit country, a little bit rock'n'roll.)

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
This week, the stars say, "The more you linger the more excited your partner will become." If you think about it, that's pretty dirty.


i think that one suits you most, mayfuck.