saw this on The Something Awful Forums (http://forums.somethingawful.com/showthread.php?threadid=3059485) and thought netphoria might be pretty good at it. As the title says, describe bands obtusely:

Shellac: you go to see a friend's noise-rock band play at a club, but end up talking to the drunkest, oldest dude in the bar all night.

Behold...The Arctopus: circus clowns with engineering degrees

Converge: watching the same 15 seconds of footage of a small child be napalmed to death from different angles with different lens filters on for an hour at a time, which eventually becomes not only engrossing but kinda beautiful too.

Haunts: an Andrew Lloyd-Webber musical about the apocalypse, scored by The Killers

Vampire Weekend: retro music for people who still call Led Zeppelin "heavy metal"

Skullflower: Only the guitar tracks from 10 different black metal albums, all played at once

Torche: Weezer, with their distortion pedals stuck to "on", jamming inside a volcano full of weed smoke

Oxbow: That hobo that mutters shit at your on the street corner got asked to move on, so he now shares a corner with that hobo that plays an out-of-tune guitar with only 4 strings on it and leers at people

monotonix - led zeppelin fucking the strokes in the ass with a strap on while the strokes rim henry rollins while gogol bordello watches

panda bear - downloading 11 pieces of audio software, taking 1 track from each of their pre-loaded demonstration songs, mixdown, add reverb, put it on headphones then take shrooms and try to buy a blanket at wal mart

Haunts sounds kinda awesome, huh

xiu xiu - for our first date, he dressed me in man's clothes and snuck me into a bathhouse. when we were alone in a sauna he trembled and cut off his scrotum, reached in to his balls and pulled out an aborted fetus and a drum machine.

tool - what if your maths teacher was an enormous stoner

you guys are so gay

you guys are so gay

Is this a description for Of Montreal?

You gays are so gay.

nine inch nails - your 12 year old cousin gets really into atari teenage riot and then starts drinking his own urine

Led Zeppelin - Vikings fly through sky on chariots pulled by fire breathing dragons and lay waste to the evil forces of Sauron while Monica Bellucci fellates you from your perch on the misty mountain top.

Pixies - Being molested as a young teen by your older sister, Christina Hendricks of Mad Men.

Fall Out Boy - Remember Hershey's S'mores bars? How they were kind of weird tasting but still good but if you ate too much then your stomach would feel kind of queasy and you wish you didn't eat it at all?

Coldplay - There's this guy that's really good looking and smooth and popular but if you're even barely aware of your surroundings you'd really realize that he just copies everyone else's style and pretends he was the first one to figure it out while the nerds sit seething at him because he steals all their good ideas and is popular just because he was born with high cheekbones.

Mastodon - Like a blazing fireball rising into the heavens and exploding, incinerating the world with pure unbridled fury. And then a whale drops out of the sky and lands on you.

Interpol - A lecture on history with occasional interesting bits but you fall asleep every now and again because of droning repetition.

You gays are so gay.

scissor sisters?

Modest Mouse - your highly ADD little brother comes back from 6 years in a harsh disciplinary school for slightly insane young men and forms a band. Before he left all you gave him was a copy of Surfer Rosa.

The other night my friend and I were listening to Rollercoaster by Red House Painters and he described it as, "the weight of the sumo wrestler of the world sitting on your chest". I thought that was pretty accurate.

I am enjoying this thread you guys, keep it up

Modest Mouse - your highly ADD little brother comes back from 6 years in a harsh disciplinary school for slightly insane young men and forms a band. Before he left all you gave him was a copy of Surfer Rosa.

Hahaha

The Books - In high school, you played cello over a cassette player blasting a mixtape of old radio dramas you found in your grandma's closet. Your friends thought the random juxtapositions sounded humorous at times, but you insisted they had some deeper meaning.







I love The Books.

- your highly ADD little comes back from 6 years in a harsh disciplinary school for slightly insane and a band. Before he left all you gave him was a copy of Surfer Rosa.

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tool - what if your maths teacher was an enormous stoner

meshuggah - what if your calculus professor was an enormous crackhead?

lightning bolt - staring directly into a lightbulb til you can see the little colours dancing in the filament, even though it hurts a lot.

the dillinger escape plan - getting gang-bashed on a scooby-doo themed rollercoaster

not mine, but my favourite ones from the original thread on SA:

Set Fire To Flames - Somebody is playing guitar down the hall from you

At The Drive-In - Martians come to earth, attempt to disguise themselves as a hardcore band, don't quite make it work.

Mars Volta - Said Martians give up the disguise and start smoking weed

scissor sisters?

Well played.

The Ramones: Six foot tall toddlers.

Radiohead: British school boys are sucked into an offbeat mystery requiring them to go undercover in the IT department of a large, nameless corporation.

tool - what if your maths teacher was an enormous stoner

a math teacher that was excellent in counting to either 5 or 7

boutros bubba - inside the eye of a hurricane, being forced at gunpoint to fuck your own mother by a creature who resembles arnold schwarznegger, except he's made of faeces. thunder cracks and shit rains down and a 50,000 volt cattle prod is inserted up inside your rectum by a young girl who is repeatedly screaming the word "jam", in order to force your untimely climax inside your maternal unit's fishflaps.

boutros bubba = fucking the grand canyon

meshuggah - what if your calculus professor was an enormous crackhead?

haha

either Guns N' Roses or AC/DC:
When you go to a huge party full of people who you are neutrally aligned to in terms of whether they are your friends or not, and you get completely and utterly drunk and high and tripping on various depressants and stimulants, (/memory) and you go to bed with someone of the opposite gender who is unflatteringly unattractive in both appearance and personality, in a bedroom that either looks like the inside of a butcher's asshole or Banana's house, whilst forgetting how to fornicate and instead opting to vomit and urinate over your partner and everything within a two-metre radius, and allowing yourself to be vomited and urinated on similarly.

Still, you figure there's no point letting piss and vomit spoil the moment, so you attempt to copulate with your chosen mate.


You wake up in the morning on the floor of the bedroom, having been pushed off the bed by at least two-and-a-half other couples wishing to repeat your exploits.

:hanging:

Someone do Sp. I would, but I'd rather stick with ones which are harder to fuck up.

Big Black - like faceplanting into a treadmill while the bastard son of Henry Rollins and Hunter S yell at you from the pulpit.

monotonix - led zeppelin fucking the strokes in the ass with a strap on while the strokes rim henry rollins while gogol bordello watches


Lunatic gypsies + crotch-thrusting grooves + language barrier = fun times!!



Benji Hughes - If Luther Vandross and Pavarotti are anything to go by, combining ‘husky gent’ and crooning can take you places… but I suppose anywhere is a place if you’re coming from a career as a house painter. Benji’s sound is unique, and by unique, I mean somewhat like Beck if he’d started exclusively eating Krispy Kremes and stopped buying deodorant.

Never mind the odour of last night’s mustard in his beard – let Benji’s hefty working class frame lean in close and whisper in your ear “if you ever want to find another lover like me, you’re gonna have to get so low, it’s gonna set you back a million years...”

Lunatic gypsies + crotch-thrusting grooves + language barrier = fun times!!



Benji Hughes - If Luther Vandross and Pavarotti are anything to go by, combining ‘husky gent’ and crooning can take you places… but I suppose anywhere is a place if you’re coming from a career as a house painter. Benji’s sound is unique, and by unique, I mean somewhat like Beck if he’d started exclusively eating Krispy Kremes and stopped buying deodorant.

Never mind the odour of last night’s mustard in his beard – let Benji’s hefty working class frame lean in close and whisper in your ear “if you ever want to find another lover like me, you’re gonna have to get so low, it’s gonna set you back a million years...”

what

Mr Bungle - If music was ice-cream, going into a baskin robbins and asking for one of every flavour in a giant bucket. then eating it with a shovel while listening to audiobooks on how to speak italian.